chapter twenty one

I’m going to the doctors today to see how I’m doing and if the cancer has spread. I’m scared shitless. Justin refuses to keep me in a hospital, so I’m living with him until… well you know.

I get dressed carefully and brush my hair. Trace told me yesterday that he would come to the hospital so I’m happy about that. Jenna is great too. Ironic that Justin’s ex girlfriend would become one of my closest friends.

I really miss Elizabeth and could use her right about now, but neither she nor I can afford to fly her to New York. I refuse to ask Justin so I settle for calling her every day for about two hours. Every time she starts to cry over the phone I lose it so we try to talk about positive aspects.

Justin comes in the bedroom with Rob, “Are you ready to go?”

I nod and Rob picks me up and carries me out to the car. Dr. Patel is doing a ultrasound of my pelvis and after they get the results back, we’ll know about if it’s spread or not. I’m placed in my seat and I buckle up as Justin gets in the other side and sits next to me.

It’s so hard being around him. All I can see when I look at him is Stephanie hanging off him. Poor Trace isn’t taking very well either. Besides my problems, he has to deal with losing not only a girlfriend but a best friend.

We pull up to the hospital and a wheelchair is brought out. I’m wheeled in a secluded area so the press doesn’t know I’m there with Justin. We reach the examining room and Rob waits outside while Justin waits with me. I don’t bother telling him to wait outside because he’s intent to know whether I’m going to live or not.

Dr. Patel comes in and shuts the door, “How are you feeling Summer?”

“Really nauseous. I can barely stand up without getting sick.”

She nods, “That occurs with almost every dose of chemo. I’m surprised you haven’t lost your hair though. Vitamins must really be working for you.”

“The one thing that is helping.” I say with a sigh.

“Is there anything else we can do to keep her comfortable?” Justin speaks up.

Dr. Patel rubs my back a little as I try to breathe through the nausea, “No, I’m afraid not.”

She gives me some ice chips to suck on and looks at my chart, “Are you ready to do the ultrasound?”

I nod and follow her into the room. Justin has to stay in the examining room and he watched me until I was out of sight. I lay down and the machine looks inside of me. I try to hold as still as possible even though I’m really uncomfortable.

“Alright, now the blood test originally showed us you had cancer, so we don’t need to take more blood and we’ll have the results of this to you as soon as possible.” Doctor Patel says.

“If it stay in the ovaries, I’m alright but if it has moved to the pelvic cavity, the chances of me surviving are slim to none aren’t they?”

Dr. Patel looks up at my eyes sadly, “If it has stayed in the ovaries, you’ll be fine after this chemo. Unfortunately, most times the cancer isn’t found in that early of a stage. If it has spread into the pelvic cavity, it becomes much harder to cure.”

Dr. Patel wheels back to the waiting room and Trace is inside when the door opens.

“Trace!” I say.

He comes over and hugs me, “Sorry I’m late, traffic is awful through the city.”

I sit back on the table and wait for the guys to leave so I can get dressed. I’m shaking as I put on my clothes. Dr. Patel shifts through some of her notes, “I’m done here. Let’s hope for the best with your test results and I’ll be talking to you soon.”

She leaves and Justin and Trace return to the room. Justin immediately comes over to me when he sees me shaking.

“You alright?” he says rubbing my shoulders.

I pull away and my body goes hard. Justin tries to hold me again but all I can think of when he comes near me is Stephanie having sex with him. He gets the message by the look spreading across his face, “Trace, could… I, could you… Sum.”

He braces himself against the wall with his hand and doesn’t look good. Trace comes over to me and puts him arms around my body.

Justin straitens up some, “I’m just going to use the bathroom, I’ll meet you guys at the car.”

He leaves the room and Trace just rocks me for a minute before a nurse shows up with a wheelchair to take me to the car. I reluctantly get in and Trace helps me into the car, “I’ll come see you soon, promise.”

“I know you will.”

He kisses my forehead as Justin comes into view and leaves. Justin gets in the car solemnly and Rob drives us back. I’m lifted out of the car once we arrive and put in bed, Layla trailing right behind me looking for attention.

I take out my cell phone once everyone has left the room and call Elizabeth, “Hello?”

I smile, “Hey you.”

“How are you?” concern coming through her voice.

“I’m the same. Went in for the ultrasound today and some specialists will look at it.”

“When will you know?”

“I don’t know. Blood test will only reveal that I have cancer because it’s still going through my blood stream and they could do an x-ray if necessary.”

“How are you and Justin?”

I put my hand to my temples and rub them firmly, “Every time he comes near me, I visualize him with Stephanie. I feel bad for putting Trace in the middle of everything.”

“You didn’t put Trace in the middle of everything, Justin did. What kind of guy cheats on his girlfriend and best friend? I mean he seems nice, but so did Stephanie from what you told me.”

“I’m in love with the guy, was in love… thought I was in love with the guy and I still can’t believe I let my guard down. I’ve told myself over and over not to trust anyone with my heart, but I still gave in.”

“Summer, the few things he did give you is the chance to let you feel something for once. Everybody needs to feel loved once in their life. Besides, if you had to feel the pain, at least it was with a guy who is helping you to survive.”

“Thank God for small miracles.” I answer with annoyance.

“It’s true.” Elizabeth insists.

I hear a knock at the door, “Elizabeth, I need to go. Love you.”

“Back at you.”

I hang up the phone as Justin peaks his head through the door, “Are you feeling up for company?”

“Sure.”

I sit up a little as Lynn, Justin and a little boy come into my room. He’s holding a dump truck and looking at me curiously.

“Hi sweetheart. I came to see you but I had to bring John with me because I’m watching him for my ex husband. John, this is Summer.”

“Hi,” he says shyly.

“Hi. Is that your dump truck?”

He nods his head vigorously and climbs up onto the bed, “You want to see?”

Both Lynn and Justin go to grab him off the bed but I put my hand up, “No, he’s fine.”

“Are you sure honey, because I don’t want him to hurt you?”

“I won’t, I promise Lynn.” John says running his truck over my arm.

Lynn comes over and ruffles my head, “Do you need anything?”

“No, I’m good.”

“Justin and I are going to be down stairs for a few minutes and then I’ll be up to see you.”

Lynn and Justin leave as I sit there with John. He’s got Justin’s blonde hair and blue eyes, but he’s much more joyful. Probably because he’s a child and I never knew Justin as one.

“You’re pretty.”

I laugh, “Thanks. How old are you?”

John holds up five fingers and I smile softly, “Wow, you’re really old. Do you like trucks?”

“Yeah, there cool. Justin got me some for Christmas.”

“Really? That’s so cool.”

“Are you Justin’s girlfriend?”

Damn. I hesitate, but lying to him isn’t going to make anything better, “No, I’m not.”

John frowns, “How come?”

I put the truck on my shoulder and push it down my arm, “Because were just friends.”

“I thought you were going to get married.”

John gives me the cutest baby face and I feel like hugging him to death. I love kids. I’ve tried to help it, but somehow it always back to bite me.

“No, he’ll get married some day, just not to me.”

John pulls an animal cracker out of his pocket, “Want one?”

“No thanks. You go ahead and enjoy.”

“You know what?” John’s eyes light up.

“What?”

“I got Cars the movie for Christmas. You want to watch it with me?”

“Sure.”

He runs down stairs and is back in a matter of seconds with the dvd. I put it in the dvd player and John leans against me as we watch the movie together.

Lynn comes in the door a few minutes later, but John is too involved in the movie to even notice. She sits on the bed next to me, “I’m sorry for the way everything has happened.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I thought I raised him better.”

“Kids will always disappoint you at some point in your life. That’s why they call us human.”

“He loves you.” She says more as a plea then a statement.

I just smile, hoping to humor her and turn back to the movie. Lynn puts her arm around me and settles in as well.

Justin opens the door and smiles as he watches all of us. I look at him and he goes to close the door behind him. Lynn looks at him, but doesn’t say anything but I feel her hold her breath.

John notices Justin in the doorway, “Justin, come sit with us.”

Justin freezes and tries to smile, “No, it okay John. I have lots to do.”

John starts to pout and I immediately feel bad.

“Justin, why don’t you pull up a seat?” I hate myself.

“Are you sure?”

I nod and he pulls up a seat. Lynn tries not to smile but I didn’t do it because I want him near me. But secretly I do. I love him through everything, but I can’t put myself through anything, anymore.

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