chapter twenty

Summer eventually woke up and was not happy to be back under the same roof as me. She couldn’t even look me in the eye. I felt like scum. I have home care for her and vitamins that keep her hair from falling out and stop the bloating during this whole process. It hasn’t helped her with the nausea though. I can barely stand to watch this, but I have to. Her body is so weak that she can barely get up, but I’m here to help with anything she needs.

I grab some chicken soup from the kitchen and bring it up to her on a tray. The doctor said she isn’t eating enough so I wake her up every four hours to get something into her. I open the door to the bedroom and see Summer propped up against pillows reading.

“I brought you some soup.” I say, putting the tray over her.

“Thanks.” She says, never looking at me.

I sit in my designated chair next to the bed and watch her. I originally wanted to be as close to Summer as I could get, so I slept in the bed right next to her. She didn’t like being that close to me though and slept at the very edge of the opposite side until one night she went to turn over while she was sleeping and fell off the bed, smacking her head on the bedside table. She now has a gash on her forehead from hitting the corner of it so I decided to not go to bed until after she falls asleep and make myself comfortable in the chair all night.

Her voice interrupts my thoughts, “Have you heard from Trace at all?”

I shake my head sadly, “No. I’m sure he’s wondering how you are though. He adores you.”

Summer has nightmares at night. She screams out while she’s sleeping and calls for Trace or her dad, but never for me. My name hasn’t come out of her mouth in I don’t know how long. Kind of like when you won’t swear around your mother because you know it’s bad.

“Can I see Layla?”

I pause for a minute before I answer, “Alright, if you’re careful. I had the whole room sanitized to keep everything healthy, but the dog goes outside.”

“Just for a little while.” Summer says.

I open the door and call for Layla. She comes bounding up the stairs, upset she is no longer allowed to sleep in our room. I catch her before she can jump on the bed and carefully allow her to jump up on the bed, but not attack Sum in an effort to see her.

“Hey baby.” She says as Layla licks her hand.

I let her pet Layla and go downstairs. I find Jenna in the kitchen eating a pudding cup. She’s been staying in the guest house to keep Summer company during the day.

“How is she doing?” Jenna asks as she sucks on her spoon.

“Physically or emotionally?” I retort.

“Both.”

“Physically she’s weak. The doctor said she needs to want to get better and her mind just isn’t there. Emotionally, she doesn’t want to see me. Summer hasn’t said more than four words to me since she’s been here.”

“What are you going to do?” Jenna puts her spoon down and throwing the cup away.

“I don’t know. I’m going to have to get through to her somehow.”

I go through a book of recipes that are recommended for people undergoing chemotherapy.

“I can’t believe you’re learning to cook.” Jen says looking at the recipes.

I shrug my shoulders, “Summer needs to eat more, so I thought if I learned to cook I could get her to actually consume real food.”

“What time do you need me to be here so you can go see Dr. Kraft?”

“About ten. I figures Summer will sleep the most then so I can go see doctor Kraft, be out by twelve for the cooking class, be home by one thirty and up by seven to get Sum’s breakfast ready.”

“Despite what you did to her, it takes a lot of dedication to take care of her the way you are. You really love her don’t you?”

“More than life itself.” I whisper.

________________________________________________________________________

Four o’clock rolled around and I got Summer’s pills ready when I heard a knock at the door. Jenna had fallen asleep with Summer on the bed, so I answered the door. Trace stood there, looking at me with hurt in his eyes.

“Trace, I’m so glad you’re here!” enthusiasm coming from my voice.

“I heard Summer was here. Craig said she isn’t doing well.”

“She isn’t, come in. Please.” I beg.

Trace steps into the house and just stands there. It’s tense and all I want is things to go back to the way they were, “Trace, I’m so sorry about Stephanie. I was drunk and not thinking strait-”

“Where’s Summer?” he cuts in.

“Upstairs sleeping. I’ll take you up.”

I walk up the stairs with Trace and lead him into the bedroom. Jenna’s curled up with Summer and Layla is sleeping at the bottom of the bed. Trace goes over and touches her face.

“Sum, it’s me.”

Summer opens her eyes and she smiles, hugging him. I haven’t seen her smile in a long time and I watch her interact with Trace.

“I missed you so much.” She says.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call. Your cell phone number has changed.”

She gives him a look which translates to “Because of Justin.” I leave the room to give them some privacy and collapse on the top step. I’d give anything for Summer to look at me that way. I put my face in my hands and I feel a hand touch my shoulder, “She cares about you too.”

“Jen, she can barely be in the same room with me let alone care about me.”

She sits down next to me, “I have to go. I’m working until three tomorrow, but I’ll come see Summer after that.”

“Thanks. I know how much she prefers you to me.”

Jen doesn’t answer, instead changes the subject, “I really thought us being together again would be awkward, but actually we get along well. We probably could have been good friends had we not fucked it up.” Jenna says.

I look at her, “After all you’ve done, I think it qualifies us as friends. We don’t have feelings for one another anyway.”

She smiles, “Your right. Friends it is.”

Jen reaches over and hugs me before getting up to leave. Trace comes out of the bedroom and stands next to me, “Summer says she has to go see the doctor tomorrow and I want to be there.”

“The appointment’s at one.”

“I’ll meet you at St. Matthews then.”

Trace leaves as well and I go back into the bedroom. Summer’s asleep again and I sit in the chair. I hold her hand and sing softly to her,

I know how serious this is. Summer may not live to see May. Her birthday’s in June and I had this big thing planned for her, but there’s a chance she won’t be around to be there.

Not being able to help her is the worst thing in the world. I have to watch her slowly waste away and nothing I do or say is going to change that. The money I make can’t buy her health, it can only provide the medicine that has only somewhat of a chance at working.

I can’t touch her, can’t hold her. I can barely be in the same room without Summer getting upset. I would trade places with her in a heartbeat. God, if this is some sort of punishment for me, it’s the worse thing that could ever happen. She doesn’t disserve this. If you want to punish someone, take me. I’ve done things that could probably make my own mother die of heartache. But don’t take her. I love her, please don’t take her. Please.

She’s got her arms wrapped around Lucky and tried to get comfortable in her sleep. That is a useless endeavor because she can’t get comfortable anymore, but tries anyway. She finally gets exasperated and wakes up, looking for Jen but to her misery, finds me.

“Jen will be back tomorrow after work, around three.” I tell her.

Summer doesn’t say anything, instead pulling the blankets further up on her body.

“The doctor called while you were downstairs.”

I jerk my head up, “I didn’t hear the phone ring.”

“She called my cell. Dr. Patel thinks I should get my things in order in case she has bad news to tell me.”

I’m lost. “Things in order” what the hell does that mean?

“Since I don’t have a will or anything valuable to give to anyone, there are just a few details. First and foremost, I want to be buried next to my parents in New York.”

Now I understand. My heart leaps into my throat and I stare at the rug in fear I’ll start crying hysterically right there and now.

“Second, Jenna said she would take Layla if you don’t want her. I don’t have any way to pay you for the chemo, since the money I made from the tour was spent on the operation, but I can give you the money that I have from my job-

“Stop!” I say, getting up from my chair, “Just stop. Nothing is going to happen to you. I don’t want the money back for the chemo, Layla’s not going anywhere and I am NOT burying you.”

I leave the room and close the door behind me, sinking to the ground against it. I should have noticed she was sick. I should have known. Everybody else seems to have known but me. She didn’t tell me.

I go back in and she looks up for a minute before casting her eyes elsewhere.

“I’m sorry for yelling.” I say.

“I’m used to it from you.”

Searing pain is all I can feel where my heart is supposed to be, “I’m sorry for everything. I love you.”

Summer looks like I just told her Layla was run over, “Justin, I’ve cried more being with you in the last six months then I have in the last twenty one years. Nothing you say has any affect on me anymore.”

“I understand.”

I swallow hard before continuing, “But I need you to know that you’re loved. You don’t have to feel the same way about me, but I do love you. No matter what happens, I’m going to be there for you.”

She just ignores what I said, “Jenna says if I get better I can live with her when everything is done until I can move into my own apartment.”

“Um, no I don’t think so.”

“Excuse me?” annoyance clearly written across her face.

“You’re never leaving ever again. Haven’t you ever heard of the princess locked in the tower?”

Summer rolls her eyes, “Funny.”

“No, what’s funny is that you think I’m kidding. You may not care for me anymore, but I love you so now I have to be with you every minute of every day. If you even try to leave I’ll have Rob tackle you and bring you back.”

I manage a smile but she’s furious, I can tell by the way she puts her tongue in her cheek. She’s so adorable when she gets upset. Summer lays back on the pillow and opens her book.

I just want to protect her, keep her safe. I’ll make this up to her if it takes me my whole life.

21