chapter nineteen

I’m so tired I can’t even believe it. Having surgery really takes it out if you. Of course, I have to go to work today, which will just make me feel like shit, but it’s something I have to do if I want to stay on this earth.

I stretch my arms out, not ready to open my eyes yet, and feel space. Space on the bed. Jenna’s bed is a single, so how the hell is there space to move? I open my eyes and nearly die. I know this room, I know it far too well.

Jenna’s sleeping next to me, curled up and I shake her until her eyes open. She sees the look on my face and takes a deep breath, “Sum, I had to.”

I struggle to breathe as Jen takes my hand, “Hon, he has the money to take care of you. He said he would pay for the chemotherapy or anything else you might need.”

I try not to cry as I’m put in the most venerable place on earth, “Jen, I can do it myself. The last thing I need is to be stuck here with the guy who cheated on me.”

Jen rubs my hand, “Listen, what he did was miserable and believe me, I know. But I also know that he loves you. He was practically dieing without you. You should have seen him when he came to pick you up. It was the saddest I’ve ever seen him.”

I can’t listen to reason right now, all I know is that I’m going to be sick soon lying here in his bed, “I don’t want anything from him, all I want is to get out of here. I can’t stay here, in this room.”

All I can think of is him and her in this bed. The bed we slept in together numerous times. I try to get out of the bed when Justin comes in, “You’re awake.”

I don’t make eye contact with him, instead staring at the wall directly in front of me, “I have to go. I can’t stay here, how could you put me in this bed anyway?”

I hate the way my voice shakes, but I can’t seem to control it.

“I got rid of the bed and sheets the day you left. It’s all new; I couldn’t sleep on it either.” Justin whispers.

Jenna looks between us and excuses herself from the room, “I have to go check on something, I’ll be back Sum.”

I sigh, “I want to leave.”

“You can’t. The best medication you can get is here. I even have home care coming in so you don’t have to be at the hospital all the time.”

I feel like a prisoner. It kills just to be in the room with him.

“I tried to call Trace and tell him about you, but I can’t get in touch with him. I assume he knows that you’re sick though.”

“Yeah, he knows. I changed my number, so he can’t call me and doesn’t know where I am. I guess he changed his number as well because when I call him, all it says is the number is not in service.”

Justin nods, “Yeah, I know. Listen, about what happened-”

“I don’t ever want to talk about it.” I snap.

“I know you’re hurt, but I didn’t do it to cause you pain. I was drunk.”

I ignore him, and he reaches out for my hand, but I snatch it away.

“Do you need anything?” he asks.

“Not from you. Money doesn’t solve everything.”

Justin closes his eyes, “I understand that. I didn’t mean just financially.”

“No.” I say, lying back and facing the opposite side of the room.

I hear him slowly leave, shutting the door behind him and I curl up into a ball.

________________________________________________________________________

I’m underwater swimming and I can’t come up for air. I’m drowning. I reach for someone, but they pull away, leaving me alone. I call out for help, but no one comes. I’m all alone.

Jenna shakes me awake and I bolt up from the bed, gasping for air, “Are you alright?”

I nod, holding my hand against my chest, “I think I’m fine.”

“You were having a horrible nightmare. You were screaming and crying.”

I wipe the sweat off my forehead and lean back against the pillow as my breathing returns to normal.

“He’s waiting outside the door to see if you’re alright. Justin’s really worried, he thought you might be in pain.”

“I’m fine.” I reiterate.

Jenna gives me a sad look, “Would you like something to eat?”

“Alright, I think I could probably eat something.”

“I’ll be right back.”

Jenna leaves the room and I pick up the book from the side table, The Secret Garden. I wish I could go hide somewhere like that. Somewhere you can’t get hurt.

Unfortunately Justin’s the one to bring my food in.

“Here you go. Jenna was called into work immediately, some pipe burst and water is flooding the office.”

I inwardly curse and take the bowl, bringing the broth to my mouth.

“How long have you been sick for?” Justin says.

“A while. It wasn’t diagnosed until a little over a month ago.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I can hear the hurt in his voice. He should hear the hurt in mine.

“I wanted to spare you all of this. Stupid huh?” I say bitterly.

Justin rubs the back of his head harshly, “Your mother died from this cancer, didn’t she? It runs in the family.”

I take another sip and remain silent.

“And the doctor found out from the blood samples you gave her to get the thyroid medication.”

“Your deduction skills are amazing. If you ever give up your day job, you could probably get a job as a private detective.”

Justin doesn’t say anything, which is unusual. Normally, he’d get mad to only later apologize, but this time, he just takes it.

“I haven’t had a drink since you left.” He watches to see my expression.

I still don’t say anything.

“My mother called to see how you were. She wants to come up and visit, so I told her she could come up if and when you said it was okay.”

I nod and play with my hair, twirling it around my finger as my natural waves and curls bounce back.

“You start chemo tomorrow.”

“Fine.” Is all I say.

He pulls the blanket from it’s folded position at the bottom of the bed and puts it over the top comforter on my bed.

“I found something after you left that I think belongs to you.”

He goes into the bedside drawer and pulls out two diamond rings on a chain.

“Oh, my rings.” I exclaim.

“Were you married once or twice?” he jokes, trying to lighten the mood.

“They were my mother’s. No matter how bad things got, she never sold her wedding rings. I’ve kept them in my top drawer ever since. I thought I had lost them.” I say, holding the precious memories in my hand.

“I found them lying on the stairs. You must have dropped them on the way out.”

“Your dad must have really loved your mom.” Justin comments.

“He did. Never made her cry.”

He starts to wring his hands, but doesn’t comment.

“What were your parents’ names?”

“Sandra and David.”

“I bet your mom was beautiful, like you.”

I just play with the rings, putting them on my finger, noticing that my hands are now the size of my mothers as the band fits perfectly on my finger.

Justin looks at my hand and back at me before changing the subject, “When you get better, I was wondering if you would like to go to the Boston Library. It’s huge and we could poke around the city.”

“If I get better.” I remind him as well as myself.

Justin winces visibly, “When you get better.”

I shake my head, “If I get better, I’m going to leave for Virginia. I think I’d like it there. The peace and the quiet. I could be whoever I want.”

“You could do that here.” Justin says.

“I need to be with people who care about me.”

Justin bites his lip, “Who’s there that you know?”

“Elizabeth’s moving there. We always said we’d move their together.”

“I care about you.” His eyes begging for me to acknowledge it.

“No, you don’t.”

“Can’t you stay here with me?” he asks.

“Do you know what you have done to me? Why the fuck would I want to stay with you? Besides, how long would it be till the next time you get drunk, decide I’ve done something stupid and go out and sleep with someone else? Or next time will I get the brunt of your anger?”

He swallows hard, “I made be a lot of things and fuck up more than I should, but I have never, ever hit a woman. Ever. Do you honestly think I would ever raise my hand to you?”

I try not to cry and the hair on his arm stands up, “I could… could go to…. to anger management classes if you want.”

I know he’d never touch me. It’s not in him and believe me, I’ve known guys who would hurt women. Justin’s eyes lose their focus and I can see his Adams apple bob up and down a couple of times. He takes his hands off the bed and put them in his lap, just looking at them.

I feel bad instantly, “Just forget I ever said anything. I’m tired.”

Justin tries to nod his head to signal its fine, but I see in his eyes that the comment stuck.

Shit.

“I’ll go downstairs and let you get some rest now.” He says quietly.

Justin gets up and braces his weight on the door and he makes his way out of the room.

________________________________________________________________________

I wake up to hear Justin talking. I don’t open my eyes and fear another conversation, instead listening to the words coming.

“Please let her be okay. It’s all my fault, I should have picked up on that something wasn’t right. I should have treated her better, maybe the stress I put on her caused this. It’s all my fault. She disserves more in life. She needs to know that. Please.”

I open my eyes slightly to see him kneeling on the ground, praying. His hands are folded and he’s got his head bowed to them. I try to stop the pain shooting through my heart, instead focusing on going back to sleep, but it’s not working.

I’m still in love with him. I think that’s what hurts the most. I finally let go and trust him only to get hurt in the process. The way he looks at me still makes my heart jump, my breath to quicken and my knees go weak.

I feel his hand touch mine and his lips kiss my hand softly. Wet drops hit my skin and he carefully wipes the tears away from my palm, putting his forehead to it, “I love you Sum.”

Justin kisses my hand one more time before getting up to leave. The phone starts to ring and Justin snatches it of the cradle before it has the chance to ring again.

“Craig, thanks for getting back to me so quickly. Listen, do you have or know any specialists I could see for, um, anger?”

He paces the room listening to Craig talk, “If it makes her feel safer around me, that’s what I’m going to do, even if she’s only under this roof for a little while.”

“No, I haven’t touched her!” Justin whispers loudly, “I would never lay one finger on her, I love her. But she’s afraid of what I’m capable of when I’m angry, so I thought this would be the best solution.”

Through the slits of my eyes, I see him wipe a few tears from his eyes. My hearts starts to beat harder and I fear he can hear it. I wish I had kept my mouth closed. He moves to the side of the bed and I close my eyes. I feel his fingers fold a piece of hair behind my ear and puts his hand to my cheek for a minute.

“Okay. I can be there anytime as long as I can get Jenna to be here. I won’t leave Sum without someone here incase she needs something. I’ll talk to Jen and get back to you. Thanks Craig.”

Justin hangs up the phone and turns off the ringer, fixing the bedcovers before leaving. I clutch my chest and wonder if God hates me. I wouldn’t blame him after this.

20