chapter thirteen

I slept in on Monday and didn’t talk to Justin. My body just wouldn’t get put of bed, but I eventually dragged myself into the bus and got back into bed. Justin has been camped out here with me for two days now and refuses to leave me alone except for the things he can’t get out of. I have never been scared of Justin before. Sure, he made me crazy, but I was never afraid. And to top the whole thing off with a cherry, Justin said he needed me.

I haven’t said anything back to him. I’m trying to figure out how I feel about him and about what happened. So I’m doing the first thing that came to my mind. I’m calling Elizabeth. I pick up the phone and dial her number while Justin’s bust giving phone interviews to radio station. One ring. Two rings.

“Hello?” I breathe a sigh of relief, “Elizabeth, it’s me.”

“Hon, you sound awful. What happened with Justin?” Elizabeth said, sounding concerned.

“He got really plastered. Some guys said something stupid so he decided to be dumber and drink. Justin ended up throwing a pitcher of beer across the room and broke a pool table. I wonder what the press will think of this little episode.

“Are you okay? He didn’t do anything…” Elizabeth trails off.

“No” I say with a sniff, “He was just drunk. He apologized for his remarks and for drinking, but it was scary to watch.”

“Well,” Elizabeth says “First off, you need to take care of yourself. If he does anything, you need to get out of there. The money is not worth it. I will say that he seemed to really care about you when I met him and maybe, just maybe, it was a slip up.”

“I don’t know.” I say with a shiver.”

“And second,” Elizabeth continued “He’s not the guys you normally work for. And he will never be that unless he continues to drink in that manner every night.”

“He also told me something else.”

“What is it?” Elizabeth says with alarm “Do I need to come over and kick his ass?”

I take a deep breath “He told me he needs me. When he was sober,” I say quickly to rule out intoxication.

“And you’re surprised why?”

I half laugh, half cry through the phone “Because it’s barely been three months and it’s supposed to be a job. No one’s supposed to get attached. Besides, I can’t figure out how I feel about him.”

“Okay, let’s get real; you do know how you feel about him. You just don’t want to admit it. Your falling for him. Even the way you talk about him reveals how you feel. Just put yourself out there for once.”

She’s right. Elizabeth’s normally right, but in cases like this, it’s even more frustrating than normal.

“After everything that’s happened, would you put yourself out there?”

“Summer, he cares for you. What else do you want?”

I sigh mentally, “I gotta go Elizabeth, Justin will be up here any minute. Thanks for the talk.”

“No problem. Call me anytime you want and I love you, you know. Everything’s going to be okay.”

Speak of the devil. The second I get off the phone, Justin comes in with a shameful look on his face.

“Hi,” he whispers, sitting down next to me on the bed.

“I called Craig this morning and told them you weren’t feeling well today. He said that we could postpone our interviews together until later.”

“Great,” is all I can manage to get out.

“Since it is four in the afternoon and you’ve been sleeping all day, I didn’t want you to wake up in a panic and think you had to go to the interviews,” he says, wringing his hands like he does when he’s nervous. I’ve noticed over the months and now is no exception.

“I brought you something to eat,” he hands me a plate of stew with a piece of bread. “I went out and got you some soup from the diner in town.” Justin says handing me a spoon, “You need to eat something.”

I know he worries about my weight loss, and it’s certainly become obvious when you lose more than five pounds. I’m chalking it up to stress. I take a bite of the soup and the warmth of it rushes over my body. I eat and Justin fluffs my pillows and adjusts the covers for me while I ignore him.

I finish eating and he just looks at me like a sad puppy. I’m not enjoying this so far. He takes my dish from me and before I can say anything, he kisses my forehead and wraps himself around me like a shield.

“What can I do or say to make this better?” I start to tear up again and I fight the tears off as my eyes burn from all the crying I’ve already done.

“Just don’t do it again,” I manage to say as he kisses me on the mouth.

He picks me up and takes me to the bathroom where a hot bath is drawn with the water jets going. I take of my clothes and slide into the bath, relaxing. Justin sits next to me outside the water and holds my hand. He turns off the lights and the candles he lit illuminate the room.

He kisses my head and turns to go “No, don’t leave.” I say, frustrated I’m even opening my mouth. I reach my hand out to beckon him in.

“You don’t want me in there with you.” I watch his face as pain shows through his face.

“Yes I do, come on.” I lie. He takes my hand and squeezes it before taking off his clothes and joining me in the bath.

One thing’s for sure, he is a beautiful human being. Justin puts his face in my hair and breathes deep. I put my arms over his that have wrapped themselves around me and lean back against him, making a desperate plea, “Please listen, I don’t ever want to fight again. We won’t be together for much longer and I would rather it be pleasant.”

I feel him take a deep breath and quietly says, “We won’t. I can’t fight with you, I’m not that strong.” He puts his finger under my chin and pulls it up so I can look him in the eye to demonstrate how serious he is.

I shift in the tub at the comment and feel uncomfortable. I feel like we’re getting way too close and I plan on keeping my distance from now on. Justin rubs back and lathers me up with soap I purchased at Bath & Body Works. He kisses my shoulder and I don’t respond to his affection, which I know leaves him totally lost. He puts my arms around his neck and drags his fingers down them. I don’t like being vulnerable and this is way too much for me.

He rubs shampoo in my hair and massages my scalp. He gets the handheld shower attachment and puts it against my forehead as the shampoo runs out of my hair. He rubs my lower back, which for some unknown reason is bothering me. Just another ailment to add to the list. Justin rinses the rest of me off and helps me out after were done, letting the water drain from the tub.

I grab two towels and hand him one, drying myself off. I walk into the bedroom and find some clothes to wear, a tank top and sweat pants, and put them on. Justin walks in and puts on the sweatpants on he was wearing and lies back on the bed with me.

He swallows, which sounds like he’s about to go into the fire pit. I refuse to look at him, I might do something I’ll regret. Out of the corner of my eye open his mouth but then close it as he tries to figure out what to say. I really don’t want to talk about what happened, so I speak up.

“What do you want to watch?” I enquire as I search my bedside table drawer for the remote.

“How about a movie of your choosing?” I find the remote and pull a box out from under my bed that contains my dvd’s. I look through it before finding the one movie that never fails to make me feel good “Got it.”

Justin looks at me and then the movie before smiling “You like that movie?”

I smile as he takes the movie from me and puts it in the dvd player. The movie begins and I repeat a few more lines than I should, but Justin doesn’t care. I’m waffling between reality and a dream world here with him. I can’t be like this anymore, not feeling l ike I’m in control. So I’m not going to do it anymore. I’m going to leave him. That’s what I plan on doing. That’s what I have to do.

Justin is getting closer to me inch by inch, hoping I won’t notice. I just have to get through the next few months and I’ll never have to go through these emotions again.

Finally he wraps his arms around me. I go stiff and I hear him sigh. I don’t know what he was expecting. After everything I’ve gone through and what he’s put me through, did he really expect to just kiss and make up?

Justin finally says something, “I have to go into the recording studio tomorrow but I was thinking after we could go out to dinner.”

“Fine.”

He looks at me sad, nodding his head and goes back to watching the movie. Layla comes up on the bed, wanting to play and can’t understand why were upset as she licks both our cheeks. Justin pets her and starts brushing her coat. Layla loves him. He spoils her to death and she just basks in the attention. I can’t imagine taking her away soon. Hopefully she’ll take it easy.

I hope I take it easy.

14