chapter twelve

I don’t know what’s wrong with Summer, but I’m slowly pulling it out of her. Her friend Elizabeth is coming up from LA so the girls are going to poke around Georgia while Trace and I hang out together. Apparently Summer and Elizabeth have been friends for six years now. Elizabeth is a librarian at the one Sum used to spend all day in, so eventually they became friends.

Summer went to go pick her up at the airport and I’m waiting for Trace and the two girls to return so we can leave. I hear giggling outside the bus and sure enough two girls emerge from the door.

Summer comes over and kisses me, “Justin, this is my best friend Elizabeth. Elizabeth, this is Justin.”

“Nice to meet you.” I say, shaking her hand.

“You too.” Elizabeth responds.

She seems nice and isn’t at all star struck, which is a rare and endearing quality at this point in my life.

Trace walks in and Summer introduces the Elizabeth to him and we get in the car.

“So where are we dropping you two beautiful ladies?” Trace asks.

“The library would be great.” Summer says.

I laugh to myself that after everything, she still buries herself in books.

We finally make it into Savannah and start poking around the city. Summer loves the architecture and she brought her camera to take pictures of the beautiful buildings the city has to offer. We stop in historic churches and walk through the city until we find the library.

“Look at all the books!” Summer says quietly when she sees the inside of the building.

She leads the way through the majestic halls into the enormous library. Elizabeth is going on about the history of the library while Summer buries herself in the books. Before I knew it, she had practically built a fort of books around her and Elizabeth. Poor Trace is just staring at me with a humorous look gracing his face. He tilts his head to the side “Comfortable in there?”

Summer bites her lip and looks up sheepishly, “Why don’t you guys go have fun and you call us when you’re done.”

I laugh “Sounds like a plan. I’ll see you guys later.”

“Okay” she said smiling as she goes back to her book with Elizabeth.

______________________________________________________________________

Trace and I finally find a bar to hang out in and we start playing pool at the billiard table. It’s a small pub and not many people are there, which is good because I didn’t bring my security team with me today. Sometimes it’s just nice to be out by myself without a bunch of guys following me.

Trace sets up the balls and I order two beers and we start playing.

“Elizabeth seems nice.” Trace comments.

“Yeah she does. If Summer likes her, you know the girl has got to be sweet.”

“Well she like you dude, so maybe her judge of character if off.”

“Shut the fuck up Jackass and shoot.”

Trace chuckles and takes his shot, getting a couple of balls in. I take my shot and sink three balls, shooting again but missing.

“Summer seems to be the cure for everything the media threw at you. All the articles are about how much you love her or what you’ve done for her lately. They really love her face too. Pretty girls sell magazines, gorgeous girls make everyone jealous and crazy for details.”

I shake my head, “She is loved by the media, which surprised even me, but more importantly, I like having her around. I really like having her around.”

A couple of guys have been pointing at me for the last fifteen minutes and finally come up to the table and take my beer, “You’re the gay guy from that boy band aren’t you.”

The guys laugh and I feel my blood boil, “Listen fucker, get out of here before you aren’t able to walk.”

Trace comes to my side and tries to pull me away, but I brush his hand off my shoulder and the asshole of the group starts making gestures of me fucking another guy.

I go to kick the guys ass, but the manager comes out from behind the counter, “You guys get out of my bar before I call the police and get you arrested for disorderly conduct.” The guys slowly move to the door and leave, but I can still feel their words sting. I grab another bottle of beer and drink it. Trace tries to take the bottle from my hand, but I pull it away from him.

I begin to drink more, ordering Jack Daniels and taking shots. The alcohol takes over and I feel it’s affects start to run through my system. Bring it on. My anger gets worse with every sip and eventually I get so mad, I throw the pitcher of beer across the room and flip the pool table over.

“Justin, what the fuck are you doing?” Trace yells, trying to stop me but it’s not working.

I snap the pool stick over my knee and fall to the ground. Trace is talking on his cell phone and all of a sudden, Rob and Tony walk through the door. I look around and there are glasses thrown all over the floor and beer all over the table I was sitting at. The manager of… whatever this place is that I can’t remember is yelling and demanding someone pay for the damage.

I can’t form words, but if I could, I sure I would sound like a sailor swearing at him. At the moment, I’m happy to just think of curses in my head. Rob and Tony are picking me up off the floor. People are looking at me, but I don’t care. Haven’t they ever seen someone have a good time? I’m picked up but my stomach turns and I go back down, grab a basket on the floor and get sick into it. Then I see Summer. She’s staring at me with those eyes. The party in my head ends and I meet her gaze. I fucked up.

I try to stand, but I really can’t and the guys each put an arm around me and walk me out to the car. Rob shut the car door and I feel ashamed, not only for what I did, but for what I am putting Summer through. I see her pull money out of her wallet and pay the manager for the damage. She hugs Elizabeth and gets in the car with me, starting it up to drive back, since I obviously can’t. Apparently Rob and Tony are driving Elizabeth back to the airport and Summer is taking me back to the hotel.

“Ssumm” I slur “I’m sssooorryy”

She shoots me darts through her eyes and says “Don’t talk to me for the rest of the drive.”

Her knuckles clench the wheel until they’re white and she gets on the highway to go home.

“I couldn’t…..” I say, trying to keep from vomiting, “Help myself. These assholes came into the bar and I had a drink and…. One turned into two and two into three…”

“How could you?” she cries, tears now rolling down her cheek “You know what could have happened to you? Rob and Tony weren’t even there.”

“Yeah, right” I say scoffing at her, “I’m fine by myself.”

Her body shakes and she says “You’re such an idiot sometimes, you know that?”

I feel my blood boil at the words.

She continues, “You have a responsibility-” but I cut her off.

“I don’t have a re, respon,” I can’t even pronounce words. Great.

“I don’t owe anybody anything” I finally get out. “I can do anything I fucking want and I don’t have to answer to anybody, especially not to you.”

The minute the words roll off my tongue, I freeze. She looks at me with tear stained eyes and suddenly I wished I hadn’t gotten it out. I cover my mouth with my hand and stop breathing for a minute.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

Summer pulls the car over on the highway and she puts her head on the steering wheel and sobs.

Oh no.

“Please, don’t cry Sum, I’m sorry!” I immediately reach out for her but she pulls away.

“Come on babe, I can’t think strait right now. I’m sorry, can’t we just go home and forget about what I said?”

“Home” she says bitterly. “What home? WE don’t have a home. You have a house and I’m sleeping in a hotel room and a bus. I don’t have a home, we’re totally separate from each other.”

No. God please help me. I can’t lose her. We’re not separate. I can’t remember what life was like before her.

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

Summer goes silent and after a few minutes I hear, “Get in the back.”

She manages to say it through ragged breathes and doesn’t even look at me.

“What?” I’m totally confused.

“I said, get in the back seat so you’re not next to me. I can’t even look at you right now.”

I get out of the car and climb into the back. Summer wipes tears from her eyes and gets back on the road. I don’t say anything to keep her from getting in an accident should I upset her further.

We finally arrive at the hotel and she turns off the car and runs inside. I try to get my seatbelt off to go after her, but suddenly the world is spinning. I lay my body against the seat until it stops, then open the car door and I run around to the private door, going inside after her.

I close the back door behind me that she left open “Sum! Summer where are you?” I yell to her, but she doesn’t answer.

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

All the lights are off in the hotel room, so I go to open the bedroom door, but it’s locked. At least I know what room she’s in.

“Sum, please open the door baby.” I can hear her crying faintly and I put my head on her door and call through it.

“Sum please. I’m a jackass, I know. Let me in, please.”

I pound on the door, begging for forgiveness, but she doesn’t move to the door and after two hours of waiting, I go to the guest room, grab a pillow and sleep outside her door for the night.

The arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

________________________________________________________________________

I woke up the next morning with a splitting head ache. I looked at my watch and it read five thirty. I stood up and put my ear to the door to see if I could hear anything. When all I heard was silence, I went into the hallway closet and took out a hanger. I straitened it and put it in the lock. After a minute I heard a click and I slowly turned the doorknob. I crept inside and saw Sum sleeping among a lot of blankets, face stained red from crying for so long. I know, because I listened to it until about three this morning. The worst punishment anyone could ever bestow on me is listening to her cry because something hurt her. Especially when it’s me.

I move to the bed and carefully lie next to her in the bed. I wrap my arms around her and hold her against my chest. She stirs and opens her eyes, which are red and puffy, immediately pushing me away from her body, but I won’t let her go. I’ll never let her go ever again.

“Get away from me.” she whispers.

“I can’t. I’m so sorry for what I said and did.”

She pushes harder against me and uses her fists, but I don’t let go. Finally she just doesn’t have any more energy and relaxes in my arms, collapsing into my chest in tears. Summer cries for a few minutes while I try my best to comfort her.

She finally brings her face to look at me, “What happened last night?”

I close my eyes out of shame and hang my head, “I was just trying to have fun, but a couple of guys came into the bar and started to hassle me. I got mad and started to drink. I took it too far and I’m sorry. I’m an awful drunk, I know.”

I feel her withdrawing from me emotionally. I hold her head in my hands in an effort to keep her with me, “I need you, Summer Grace McKenzie.”

This is not what she wanted to hear, but I knew I had to tell her. She’s afraid of being too close to me.

“Just because I made mistakes doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, because I do, it just means I human. I’m going to continue to make mistakes, but I have you to help me along the way.”

She closes her eyes and I cuddle her, pulling the blankets around us. Summer always likes sleeping with blankets and tries to keep me as far away from her as she can, but I refuse to give her an inch of space, instead close my eyes and we sleep until we are ready to confront my actions and her feelings.

Sarah McLachlan-Angel

13