chapter seven

I barely slept last night. I spent the majority of the time tossing and turning in my bed, wondering how my life ended up being so fucked up. Every time I close my eyes I see Emily running away that night I broke up with her, long hair flying wildly away. I dream that I run after her, but trip and fall, losing her. Then I end up waking up, turning over to a comfortable position before repeating the process.

I finally gave up on sleeping around five and went down stairs. I pick up old photo albums and flip through it, looking at Emily, Trace, Kris and I. It is one of the only remaining pictures of Emily and me together. I got rid of most of them when we broke up. Were all sleeping in one picture, all curled up together. It was a trip to Boston for our school. I look up when I see my mom out of the corner of my eye, “What are you doing up?”

I put the book next to me quickly, “Nothing, I just couldn’t sleep.”

She nods and sits down across from me, “Where were you last night? You didn’t come home for dinner.”

“I went out and grabbed a sandwich.”

“By yourself?”

I can either lie to her and save myself from answering questions I don’t know the answer to myself, or I can tell her the truth and get it off my chest. I hate that we have such a close relationship in times like these.

“I didn’t eat alone.”

Mom licks her lips and looks at me, knowing full well who I was with.

“Why didn’t you tell me she owned Creative Designs?”

Mom shifts in her seat and crosses her legs, “Because Emily didn’t want me to tell you. She felt like it wasn’t something you needed to know.”

I put my head in my hand, “You should have heard how I spoke to her, like she was lesser than I was. It makes everything I used to think absolute.”

She sighs, “Justin, I tried to give you a good life and keep you grounded, but I couldn’t protect you from life forever. You needed to make your own decisions and mistakes, it just happened to be that Emily got the brunt of it. The reason she didn’t want me to tell you is that she wanted you to love her for her, not because of whether people knew her name or asked for her autograph.”

“I realize this now, but at that time in my life, I thought I was right.”

“She doesn’t hold it against you. Em eventually understood that you two valued different things in life after you left. That’s when Chad came into the picture.”

“Do you even like him?” I ask, disgusted.

“From the few times I’ve met him, he seems nice. I haven’t spent much time with him because he’s working constantly.”

“When is he ever there for her?”

“Yeah, he’s busy with work, running here and there, not making as much time as he could for Em. I wonder why that sounds familiar.” She says sarcastically.

Okay, she has me there.

“In fact, the only real difference I can see between you two at this point is that he won’t give up on their relationship just because he works hard.”

I roll my eyes as she gives me a look and looks at her watch, “I have to go to work in an hour, so I’m going to go jump in the shower. Try not to put your foot in your mouth today.”

“Thanks mom.”

“No problem sweetheart.”

________________________________________________________________________

I clean up the dishes. Gram was very quiet today, but thankfully Lynn coming over later to sit with her again. The phone rings and I pick it up when I see the caller id on my cell, “Hey baby.”

“Hey hon, how are you?”

“Good. Do you know when you’re coming home?” I ask.

I hear Chad sigh over the phone, “I don’t have a time table yet.”

I lean against the wall, “Okay, just thought I’d ask.”

“You know if I had a choice as to where I would be right now, it would be with you.”

“I know. I miss you though. Gram is a little tired today and I feel the need for extra support sometimes, you know how I am.”

“I promise to be home as soon as I can. How is life there?”

“Fine.” Is all I say.

I hear papers being shuffled around in the background, “You hanging out with Trace and Kris?”

“No, Kris is going to a couple conferences and Trace is visiting his girlfriend.” The tone in Chad’s voice changes and the paper shuffling stops, “How about Justin?”

“What about him?” I challenge.

“Are you hanging out with him at all?”

“We’ve seen each other a few times.” I answer.

“Try not to yawn when you’re with him.”

I roll my eyes, “Be nice Chad. We used to be really close.”

He laughs, “Case in point. Used to be, as in past tense. Can you blame me for loving you so much that I don’t want an ex falling for you again?”

“Please, he has so many women throwing themselves at him that he wouldn’t even look my way if I was on fire.” I scoff.

“That’s good. I like keeping you to myself.”

“If you ever come home you can have me all to yourself.”

He groans over the phone, “So tempting I would jump at the chance if I could. Listen, I have to go, love you.”

“Love you too, bye.”

I hang up and finger the promise ring Chad gave me. I twist it around a few times before Abigail comes over and sits down next to me, silently begging to go out.

“I know, you want to go for a walk. Okay, come on.”

Abigail looks at me happily as I put a leash on her and take her around the block. I grab my ipod and put it on, concentrating on what I’m doing with Justin and how I’m supposed to be thinking about Chad, when in actuality I only think about him when he calls. He’s good to be though. Dependable is one of the things I admire about him the most. If I stay with him, I’ll be married in two years. That’s the plan.

I feel someone grab me from behind and I whirl around to see Justin. I pull my earbuds out and turn of the music.

“Sorry I scared you. I didn’t realize you were so absorbed in walking.”

I smile, “It’s fine, the pavement is a crummy conversationalist anyway.”

He laughs and Abbey greets him happily, sitting up in hopes of being pet. He leans down and rubs her between her ears.

I hold her leash closer to me to keep her from mauling him, “What are you doing here?”

“I was going for a walk to clear my head.”

I glance around, “It’s a nice morning for it.”

“You want to walk with me?”

I look at Abbey and she turns her head to the side, begging to be walked further then just around the block.

“Sounds good. I could use the exercise anyway.”

We start off together, making small talk as we round the corner, “You walk every morning?”

“Yes, Abbey likes to walk and I could stand to lose a few pounds.” “Since when?” he scoffs.

“Since I gained three pounds when I went away with Chad for a week last month. I still haven’t taken it off.”

“Great. Doesn’t Chad tell you all that boyfriend stuff? You know the whole “your beautiful just the way you are” phrase.”

I give him a dirty look, “Of coarse, but I can feel it in my jeans and I would just like to take it off.”

“So, have you talked to him lately?”

Why does he care?

“This morning. He’s not sure when he’s coming home, I guess work is really busy right now.”

“Must be.” He says sarcastically.

I stop walking and glare at him, “Who are you to come here and criticize him? You don’t even know him.”

Justin hangs his head slightly, “Look, I’m sorry, alright? It just seems to me that if he really loved you, he’d at least call you more often. I did when we were dating.” He points out.

“In the begging, sure you did. Not later on though. Chad is buried in paperwork all day, not on a bus with his buddies and deciding not to call because he doesn’t feel like talking to me.”

“That’s not why I stopped calling Em.”

I tighten my hold on Abbey’s leash, inwardly cursing at myself for managing to wind up in these kinds of conversations with him, “Whatever you say.”

Justin’s face distorts into an expression I’ve only seen a few times on his face before. One was when I jumped from a tree trying to fly and broke my arm, landing on the ground. He climbed out of the tree so fast I thought he flew himself. Justin came over to me as I cried and held me until my mom came out to take me to the hospital. That was the first time he told me he loved me.

The second was when we said goodbye at the airport for the first time. He gave me the look on his face now and I knew I’d never forget it. That would be the easiest goodbye I would have to do with him, though I didn’t know it at the time. Funny, every time I said goodbye to him there, I lost a piece of him. The hardest thing I ever had to do was say goodbye to him the last time we were together. I knew the next time I saw him, we would be over. I sat in the airport that day after he boarded and cried. I had lost him. He had stopped loving me. The cold kiss on the cheek, the barely there hug did not fool me. It was my fault for not being good enough. It was my fault.

________________________________________________________________________

Okay, maybe I shouldn’t be quizzing her about Chad, especially when I haven’t spoken to her in seven years and yet I find the nerve to bring up personal questions, but I can’t help it. Doesn’t she see that he doesn’t love her? When they’re together he doesn’t treasure her. He gets possessive about her. Maybe cause he used to getting what he wants.

The second he saw me, he had his arm around Em in two seconds flat. I laughed at the time, thinking I could fuck Alyssa Milano and Cameron Diaz so why in the world would I stoop to take Emily Haywood? Now I see why he did it. She’s different from all those other girls, one of a kind. You can’t describe her, it’s like trying to explain to someone what a warm breeze as spring can be seen on the horizon feels like on your face. You can’t, you just know how it feels. All I know is, when I’m around her, it’s almost like we were never separated.

“I’m going to the barn hangout, you want to come?”

“Are you going to sing?”

“If you want me to.” I whisper.

“I don’t care what you do Justin.” She answers.

The barn hangout is like a meeting hall for the town that local concerts were held in. I’m not sure if it’s still used for it, but it’s open to people who want to just fool around with there instruments or belt out a few chords.

We walk in silence until we get to the barn. I hold the door open for her and we go inside. Emily sits down in the front row and Abbey lies down in the aisle, looking up at me. I walk on stage to the piano and start letting the keys move under my fingers. I sing softly to the melody and every once in a while steal a glance at Em. She watches but has her poker on. I used to hate when she blocked me out like that.

Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can't seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find...

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

I stop singing, instead playing the rest of the song with the music alone. I finish and spin around on the stool to look at Em.

Her eyes are sad, “Was it based on a personal experience?”

I nod slowly, watching her play with a ring on her finger.

“I’m sorry. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. I guess you’ll get the last laugh when it goes to number one huh?”

I meet her eyes and wonder what I’ve missed in her life while I’ve been gone, “You think it will hit number one?”

“Of course.” She replies.

“I forgot how supportive you always were of my music.” I laugh, more because I’m uncomfortable and feel like breaking down.

“You loved it, how could I have not been supportive of something you loved so much?”

We just look at each other, and I realize for the first time how dangerous it was for Chad to leave her here alone. I beckon her up and she gets up slowly and comes over to me. I take her hand and press it to the keys. Emily had taken piano all the way through high school as I remember correctly. I move her fingers to the correct keys to play the song in my head. With my other hand, I scoot her body to the middle of the piano, sitting her on my lap as we play.

She closes her eyes as she plays like she often did when we were younger, preferring to feel the coolness of the ivory on her fingertips. I breathe on her neck, listening to the music. I watch the hair on the back of her neck stands up and her body become stiffer. I move my hands from her hands to around her waist. She jumps up and lets out a shaky breath, “Beautiful song. It will definitely be a hit.”

I wake up from the coma I was in with her and smile, “I like it. The piano just adds to the song.”

“I should be going, Gram is going to want some tea or something.”

“I’ll come with you.” I say, following her as she quickly grabs her stuff and Abbey.

“You don’t have to.” she reminds me.

“I want to.”

________________________________________________________________________

I hurt everywhere. My heart has decided to give out and the rest of my body is following suit. I should know after everything he’s put me through not to get too close. Now he wants to come home with me. I try to keep my expressions blank so he can’t tell what I’m thinking. He used to be able to look at my face and know exactly what I was going to say without having to even open my mouth.

We reach my house and I open the door with Justin right behind me. He takes Abbey’s leash from my hand softly, unhooking her from the restraint and hanging it on the hook. He comes up behind me as I cut up an apple into slices and looks over my shoulder, “Want any help?”

I shudder beneath him, wishing he was anywhere but here, “No, I think I’ve got it.”

I hear a car pull up in my driveway and I turn around to see who it is. Unfortunately, Justin didn’t. I find myself between him and the counter as he closes in the little space between us. His arms are on either side of me, leaning against the granite and I know there’s no escaping unless he moves. I face him and with every step I feel my heart beat faster.

The doorknob turns and Kris comes in and freezes as she turns around to see Justin and me, “Em, what are you doing?” Her voice barely audible as I see Chad coming through the door.

I practically bowl Justin over to get to Chad since he hasn’t looked up at us yet. By the time he does, I’m safely away from Justin and wrapped around his body, “What are you doing here baby?”

“I took the day off. I have to be back at the airport Wednesday, but I thought that a few day wouldn’t kill them.”

I press my face into Chad so I don’t have to look at Justin. When did my life get so complicated?

“I have to go.” Justin mumbles, “I’ll see you later Em.”

He walks out the door and I look over at Kristen, who stands there with a mixture of shock and concern on her face. She smiles when Chad looks at her confused as to why everyone looks so upset. I fake a smile as I look up at Chad, “I’m so glad you’re here.”

But I’m really not. And I hate myself for it.

8