chapter six

I haven’t seen Justin in a day, but I can still feel him on me, touching me like he branded me somehow. I’ve washed the floor about three times, but I just can’t stop scrubbing. Kris has been watching me for the last thirty minutes and has yet to say anything. I keep up a small, non personal conversation but eventually she grows tired of me avoiding the subject.

“What’s up with you today?”

I pretend to find a dirt spot and scrub the floor harder, “Nothing.”

“I fly out on a business conference for two days and I come back to find you like this. What happened while I was gone? Did you and Justin get into it or something?”

“No, we didn’t get into it.”

“But it does have something to do with J.”

I don’t respond, putting the brush back into the bucket of soapy water. I sit back on my heels and look up ate her.

“Ah.” Kris says, putting a towel on the ground and “skating” over to me on it and kneels next to me on the floor.

“It’s nothing, really.” I tell her.

“If it was nothing we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“I just, can’t not be affected by him you know? After all this time he can still make me feel the way I used to when he was around me. How can this be happening?” I whisper.

Kris hugs me gently, “You’re not falling for him, it’s just a lot of oppressed memories, and believe me, I’m a physiatrist, I know these things.”

I try to laugh and lean against her, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Nothing sweetheart, you are just longing for a little TLC if Chad would ever come home to take care of you.” Center>

“He’s working in New York until he finishes up some business with a client there.”

Kristen hugs me tighter, “Well, you have me. Chad will be home soon and then everything will be fine.”

“I know you’re right. I’m probably just going through a little pms right now. I’ll go watch some sappy movie and cry my eyes out. That will get everything out.”

The phone rings and I go to it, picking it up of the receiver, “Hello?”

“Hey Em.”

“Hi.” I manage to say.

“I was just wondering if I could come see Marion now, if it’s alright with you.”

“Um, sure. Come on over, she’s just sitting inside watching a little TV.”

“Alright, I’ll be over in five minutes. See ya then.”

I hang up the phone and Kris looks at me concerned, “It was him, wasn’t it?”

I nod and pick up the bucket of water and dump it outside in the garden. I put it on the stoop and go back inside, watching Kristen eye me as wipe my hands. It’s a disapproving look and I know she’s concerned for me. I can handle this on my own though. Really, I’m just tired from all the sketching I’ve been doing. The doorbell rings and I go to get it.

“Hey.” Justin says.

“Come on in.” I say, holding the door open as he passes by me to get in.

“Hi Kris.”

Kristen waves but doesn’t say anything.

“Gram’s inside, go ahead in.” I tell him, watching him go in and sit with her.

________________________________________________________________________

I walk inside to find Marion sitting in a chair with the TV on, but she’s not watching it, rather looking at a picture of Emily when she was little, “Hi Marion.”

She looks up and gives me a half smile, “Why, two visits in less than a week? To what do I owe this visit.”

I always loved Marion. She had a mouth on her and told you what she really thought, none of that coy shit.

“I just thought I would come and see you.”

Marion puts the picture down next to her, “I guess you heard the news about my health.”

I hang my head for a minute before faking a smile, “What are you talking about? You’re as healthy as a horse.”

“No I’m not, but thank you for humoring me.”

“Marion, you’re going to be alright.”

She reaches out for my hand, “When I go, tell Emily how much I lover her and appreciated everything she has done for me. Promise me you’ll tell her.”

“I promise to tell her Marion.” I choke out.

“Thank you. I’m sorry if you felt I only cared for you when you were dating Emily, because the truth of the matter is, I have always kept a special place in my heart for you.”

“I know you have. I never felt you treated me any different after our relationship ended.”

“Good. I always wanted to tell you that, but I never got the chance. It’s so good to see you.” Her hand touches my shoulder and then my cheek.

I put my hand on hers, “I loved her.” I whisper.

“I know you did.”

“I’m sorry the way things had to end.”

“That’s life I guess. If I could control it, Emily would be happy right now.” I suck in, watching Marion close her eyes tightly, “I just want to know my granddaughter will be taken care of when I’m gone. I’m not sold on Chad and when I’m gone, who will she have?”

“I promise to watch her when…” I trail off.

“Oh honey, you have a whole other life. I read magazines, you know, I’m aware of how busy you are.”

I manage a fake laugh and lick my lips, “Not to busy to check in on her. I promise. Mom will take care of her as well.”

“You’re a good man, you know that? Lynn did a wonderful job with you.”

I wish she knew all the things neither she nor my mother would be proud of. I wonder how I could have fallen so far away from these people. How I could just forget about them.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me Marion.”

“You’re welcome.” She reaches under her chair and pulls out a box, handing it to me, “I want you to have it.”

I look at the box, “What is it?”

“You’ll see. Wait until after I’m gone to look at it.”

“Then I should probably put a warning to not open it till the year three thousand.”

Marion smiles, “Thank you for visiting me.”

I kiss her cheek, “No problem. I’ll see you soon.”

I walk down the hall to get to the kitchen when I notice Kris is waiting half way down for me.

“What’s up?” I ask.

Kris looks upset and her arms are crossed over her body, “Look, I’m sorry for thrusting you and Emily together at the lake. It was a big mistake.”

My face hardens, “Where are you going with this?”

“Please leave her alone, your complicating everything and hearts are bound to get broken.”

I lower my voice, “I’m not complicating anything.”

“Yes you are. Stay away from Em, she doesn’t need anymore shit in her life then is already present.”

I shake my head in disbelief and walk past her to see Emily sitting at a table drawing.

“I’m going to get going Em, I’ll see you later.” Kris says.

I look at Kris for a minute before turning to Em, “You want to go get something to eat at the sandwich place in town?”

Emily looks up in surprise, “Sure. Gram has already eaten, so I think that would be okay. Let me go she how she’s feeling and I’ll be right back.”

Emily gets up and goes inside and I see Kris’s jaw tighten. I just stare at her until Emily comes back, “She’s fine, so we can go. Kris, I’ll see you later.”

Kris doesn’t say anything, instead getting in her car and driving away. I grab Em’s arm as she unlocks her car, “You want to walk there instead? It’s only about a mile.”

It’s a gorgeous night, warm and inviting. She looks at me and nods, putting her keys back in her purse. We cross the street to the sidewalk and start out trip.

“I do have to stop at the post office for a minute.”

“No problem, it’s so close to the sandwich place that it doesn’t matter.”

She holds an envelope in her hand and looks at me, “How was your visit with Gram?”

I don’t know whether to tell her Marion is ready to die, but I figure that it’s not what she needs to hear right now, “Good. She talks a lot about you.”

Em smiles, “She loves me. I’ve tried telling her people don’t want to be bombarded with stories of me every time they talk to her, but she refuse to believe it.”

I smile, “Did you think she would? No one loves you more than she does.”

“I know. That’s why I can’t let her go yet.” She says quietly.

I glance at her, carefully putting my arm around her shoulder. She doesn’t seem upset with that and moves closer so my arm drapes around her neck. The feeling of her skin next to mine sends shivers up and down my spine and I fight to keep from shivering outright.

“How’s Chad?”

It’s not that I really give a fuck as much as she needs a change of topic.

“He’s fine, traveling around for work. He’s in New York right now.”

“You guys spend a lot of time together?”

Emily looks at the ground, “He makes time for me.”

I hold back from going after the subject of us again. Instead, I smile, which is so not me but arguing with her won’t do any good. Whenever we do, she comes out making more logical points then I can. I like to pretend when people ask that I fell out of love with Em, but the truth of the matter is I wanted a change, and she was one of the things I felt the need to get rid of in order to grow, become bigger. I never fell out of love with her. How can you stop loving someone who’s a part of you?

We get to the post office first and Em opens the blue box and drops in the letter, letting her denim jacket sleeve ride up her arm in the process. I notice a familiar bracelet on her wrist and whistle, “I can’t believe you got that bracelet. My last girlfriend would have killed for it. Apparently they retire those suckers.”

“Yeah, some of them are limited addition.” Em says.

“That’s right, they have poetry written in gold or platinum. They cost a pretty penny too. That one was how much?”

Emily looks down at her wrist for a minute, trying to remember, “About seven grand.”

“They’re expensive, but beautiful. Did Chad get you that?”

“No, the store generally let me have a copy of my own pieces.” She laughs.

I freeze. Words won’t form and I struggle to breathe. Fuck. Finally I manage to speak, “You design the jewelry for Creative Designs?”

“I own the chain. It’s my jewelry company.” She says.

My eyes bug out of my head. The chain is world-wide now. I heard the company just set up a store in China. Cameron only made me go to how many stores tracking down certain pieces she wanted. I hear other celebrities talk about the collection and I think about the ring and bracelet I bought former girlfriends. Oh shit, I made fun of her.

If only I knew what I know
I'd make it a point to say so
To everyone that got me here
And everyone that made it

“I didn’t know. Your huge in the celebrity world. I can’t fucking believe I didn’t know they were yours.”

I rub my head in an effort to erase the comment I made to her. It now occurs to me that the back of every piece of jewelry had the initial EH on the back. Emily Haywood. That’s why she took English as a major, she now uses the things she read into her work.

Clear I was dead wrong all along
You said it for my sake
That I would not lose my way
When I was astray ...

I'm doing the best that I could
Trying my best to be understood
Maybe I'm changing slowly
I get out, turn around....

Emily shrugs, “I don’t know about huge, on the radar maybe.”

“Listen, if Cameron Diaz wanted a piece of your collection, trust me, you’re big.”

She nods to humor me, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

I look at her, puzzled, “Why didn’t you tell me? I was an ass about what you did for a living, why didn’t you throw this back in my face? You’re a success.”

“Because that’s not what I consider to be the most important thing in life, believe it or not. My self worth isn’t wrapped up in if I have a multi million dollar company. My life is with Gram, and that’s enough for me.”

I stop walking and look at her, “But still, you made something of yourself.”

“I told you I would, but I did by staying here, not by what I do for a living.”

Knew I was dead wrong all along
You said it for my sake
that I would not lose my way
When I was dead wrong all along

Mine is not a new story
Mine is not a new story
Mine is nothing new
But it is for me

My mind reels, she has to have millions. Millions. And she never said anything. Not once. I can’t believe I said all those things to her, back then and now. I said she was never going to go anywhere, that she worked in the gas station because she barely had a college degree.

I close my eyes for a minute, “I’m so sorry Em.”

“For what?”

“For everything I said to you about never being anyone. I was wrong.”

Em smiles at me sadly, “Justin, the thing that saddens me the most is that if you hadn’t found out I owned Creative Designs, you would still think of me the same way you did seven years ago.”

So I was dead wrong all along
You said it for my sake
That you thought I'd lost my way
When I was dead wrong all along
You said it for my sake
That I would not lose my way

I let my arm drop from around her neck and try not to hyperventilate. A headache starts in as we get to the sandwich shop. Emily seems unaffected by the whole thing but I barely hear her order when the guy standing behind the counter gives me a funny look and Emily shakes me a little to get my attention, “What do you want J?”

“Turkey with cheese on white.” I say.

The man makes the sandwiches and I pull out some money, paying for the food. Emily takes hers from my hand and sits down outside at one of the picnic tables. I put her drink in front of her and wish in times like these I could get some Jack Daniels.

“So I guess your business is going as well as my music.”

Emily takes a sip of her soda, “It’s good, I miss being able to fly to the openings of each new store or giving my team the sketches I draw instead of sending them through the mail, but I’m happy to be here.”

“The pieces you make are stunning, I see them in the stores all the time.”

“I try. Including the sayings and poetry into the jewelry is fun. I like coming up with new pieces and how they’re hand done. That was my favorite part of the whole thing. The first few I actually engraved myself.”

I wipe the sweat of my brow with a napkin when Emily takes a bite of her sandwich. Why didn’t Trace fill me in, or even mom? I definitely need to have a talk with her when I get home. I spent all this time thinking how I was lucky to get away from her when I did so I didn’t get pulled down only to find out that she did it all on her own while having a boyfriend. And she never pulled anyone down.

I feel my throat tighten as I watch her eat peacefully, “Thanks for coming to grab some dinner with me.”

“It was my pleasure.” She says with a smile.

_______________________________________________________________________

Justin and I finish eating and we start walking back. He’s gotten considerably quieter from the walk here and I wonder if he’s upset about finding out the way he did about my business. It just slipped out, I didn’t mean to tell him. I don’t want him to feel like now I’m a somebody, I always was. He just didn’t see it. Doesn’t see it.

I take a quick peek at him, but he’s staring at the ground. I kick a rock with my foot and put my hands in my pockets.

“When I left and we broke up, did you miss me?” Justin asks, his voice wavering.

“Of course I missed you at first. I was really in love with you at the time. How could I ever not miss you? We were so close.”

“I did miss you, in case you were wondering.”

From time to time I used to wonder if he did miss me. If he ever thought about me or what we had. It hurt too much to keep that kind of thing on my mind. I actually went out and made a list of all the things I needed to move on from and buried in at the lake. I said goodbye to Justin for good that day.

“I’m glad, it’s nice to know that someone cared about me enough to miss me.”

“Well I did. I never met another girl I ever confided in the way I did with you.”

I smile, “It was nice having someone who understood me so well growing up. We had something special and I’ll never forget it. Not everyone has a childhood like we did. ” I tell him thoughtfully.

We walk until we reach my house and I stand on the stoop and look at him, “Thanks for dinner.”

“It was nothing, really. Next time I’ll take you somewhere nicer, like an Italian restaurant or something. ”

“I had a nice time, I like going casual places. Getting all dressed up and pretending to be someone I’m not has never really appealed to me. ” I put the key in the door and I open it, putting one foot in when Justin calls my name, “Em?”

I turn around, “Yeah?”

He gives me this serious look, “I think you’re a someone, even without the whole multi million dollar business and all.”

I hear my heart beat in my ears and I swallow hard, “Really?”

Justin nods, “Really.”

He waves to me and gets in his car, driving away. I go inside, close the door and lean up against it. I slide down it and hit the floor with my hand over the spot where my heart is. God help me. Please, help me.

Did I really lose my way
Or are you afraid?

The Fray- Dead Wrong

7