chapter five

I knew as soon as I gave Justin back his coat and walked back to Chad, I was in trouble. The look on his face told me he wasn’t happy to see Justin there, but the fact I was wearing his coat was not going to sit well with him. And I was right. I heard it from Chad that night. I got it from Chad this morning. Boy did I get it.

“Why were you even there with him?” Chad demands.

“For the three millionth time, he was there with Trace and we are barely spoke.”

“You were wearing his jacket from fucking sakes!” he screams.

I feel my blood rise as he talks, “He offered me his jacket because I was a little cold. I just borrowed it for a little while, what is the big deal?”

Chad holds the chair with both hands and leans against it, “Because you used to date him, that’s why it’s a big deal.”

“Seven years ago! So if we ever end up in the same place ever again, I should be warned that your going to throw a fucking hissy fit?”

Chad moves over to me and presses his hands around my face, “No, I just care about you that’s all.”

“I know you care about me, but it doesn’t mean you get to control who I hang out or associate with. Give me some breathing room, alright?”

Chad uses his thumb to brush away a piece of stray hair from my face, “Do you mean from us?”

I take his hand and kiss it, “No, not from us, but if I hang out with Trace and Justin happens to be there, you need to be the boyfriend I love and let me go. You can’t tell me who I can see or not see.”

“I know that and if it were any other guy, I would be fine with it. I promise to not tell you who you can associate with, even if you choose to hang out with a dick, okay?”

I chuckle and Chad kisses me, “Alright then?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Good. I have to go to work but I’ll see you later sweetheart.”

Chad kisses me on the top of my head and grabs his keys off the counter and walks out the door. I put my sketch into a manila envelope and address it to California, grabbing my keys as well and driving to the gas station. I park my car and drop the envelope at the post office next door. I go inside the tiny store that doubles for a gas station as well as a mini supermarket and little odds and ends to find Lou reading behind the register, “Hey Lou.”

“Morning Pumpkin, how was your weekend?”

I laugh internally, “It was a interesting weekend, but other than that it was fine.”

I put the open sign on out front and sweep the dirt on the floor tracked in from some people’s shoes. The bell over the door dings and I put the broom next to the wall and walk up front in case Lou needs help. I get closer to the front and see who it is, “Justin? You need something?” I ask, walking up to him.

He looks around and grabs a package of gummy bears and sets them down on the counter, “No, just these. Trace went to visit his girlfriend who lives in Alabama for the week, so I’m here by myself.”

Lou has mysteriously disappeared, but only to have a smoke I’m sure. I’ve tried to get him to quit, but he refuses to listen to me. I ring up the gummy bears and put them in a bag, “She seems really nice. I met her once when she came to visit him last month. He’s crazy about her.”

“So I’ve heard.” Justin says, holding the bag in his hand.

I nod, watching him trying to figure out what he’s supposed to do now. He opens his mouth to shut it again and twists the bag with his hand, watching it spin around.

“Are you sure you don’t need anything else?”

“Well, actual I was wondering if you wanted to go get some breakfast with me and do something.” He stammers, “Trace isn’t here and I have nothing to do.”

I’m taken aback, “Oh, well I can’t. I have to stay here and help Lou-”

“Go ahead Pumpkin, just leave the key to the cash register.” Lou interrupts, coming in from outside.

“But Lou, you might need something.” I say.

Lou laughs, “Honey, my grandson is sixteen and is coming in to work today for the first time. He’s a quick learner and pretty soon you will be off duty from this place. Consider it the beginning of your freedom from sweeping.”

I look from Lou to Justin, trying to think of a reason I can’t go with Justin. None comes to mind and I hurry to think of an excuse and Billy, Lou’s grandson, walks through the door. Damn it.

“Look, there’s Billy now. Go ahead you two and enjoy yourselves.”

I look at Justin and relent, grabbing my purse and following Justin out the door, “So where are we going?”

“I was thinking IHOP if that’s alright with you.”

“Sure, sounds good.” I say, hopping into his car and buckling in.

It’s a beautiful car, some red sports model with leather interior. I sink down into the comfortable seats wondering what in hell’s name possessed him to ask me to breakfast. I am hungry though, and IHOP makes great food.

“So you must really be bored here without Trace.” I comment.

Justin laughs, “That’s the truth of it. My mom works and Trace is gone.”

“Oh, so I’m a last resort?” I joke.

“I didn’t mean it like that, I just-”

I laugh and put my hand on top of his as he grip the steering wheel. I don’t think about what I’ve done until he stares at it when we stop at a red light. I quickly remove it and look out the window to keep from having to face him. I am so stupid sometimes, I just used to tend to forget myself when I was with him and apparently the complex hasn’t left yet.

We pull into IHOP and go inside as the waitress seats us at a booth. I play with the little creamers as Justin looks at the ingredients on the back of the syrup container. This was such a bad idea, I knew it. The waitress comes and takes our order as she brings us some coffee. I take a sip of mine, “So, are you working on any music while you’re here?”

“A little, but not so much that I fall back into work mode. It’s nice having the time to do what I want without stressing out over things that I really shouldn’t.”

I watch his expressions as he talks. He no longer lights up when talking about music. He smiles about his success, but not his music. That’s the saddest thing of all, they took a kid who loved what he did and turned him into a man that can’t appreciate life.

“Well I’m glad things are going well for you.”

The waitress brings our pancakes and I take a bite of mine, sighing in contentment at the taste.

“I thought maybe we could hang out at my house for a while after this, maybe watch some TV or something?”

I lick the syrup off my lips, “Okay, whatever you want.”

“Last time you said that, we snuck out in the middle of the night to go swimming and we got caught coming in.” he laughs.

“I forgot about that. You used to get me into so much trouble.”

“You loved it.” He insists.

“I liked the part before we got in trouble.”

Justin smiles, “Your mom was so pissed she grounded you for two weeks.”

“Yeah, that was fun. You snuck over to see me anyway, remember?”

“Yeah, well I was partly responsible for daring you to go out with me. So I heard your parents moved to Chicago. Why didn’t you go with them after college?”

I wipe my mouth with a napkin and put it on my empty plate, “Because this is all she’s ever known. At least she has friends here, if we took her to Chicago, she’d have no one. Mom never liked Gram and dad eventually got worn down from trying to keep the peace. I volunteered to stay here because one, I love it here and second, I can work from home while taking care of her.”

“That’s really nice of you.”

“I love her. You don’t leave the people you love behind.” I say.

Justin says nothing and we finish our meal, getting in the car and driving back to his house. He turns on the TV and we watch reruns of Friends. I curl up on the couch and laugh at the jokes. Justin is thinking about something, I can tell. His forehead is scrunched up and his eyes are focused on the wall beside the TV, staring at it. Finally he looks at me, “What you said before, you were talking about us, weren’t you?”

________________________________________________________________________

Emily looks at me with that innocent face, but I know she knows what I’m talking about, “What do you mean?”

I’m not letting her off the hook that easily.

“What you said about people you loved. About not leaving them behind.”

“That’s how I felt about Gram.” She insists.

“But is also applies to us.”

“It applies to the whole of human race Justin.”

I get annoyed, “But you felt like I shouldn’t have left you to go make music.”

Emily looks at me, “No, I’ve never once felt that way. I always knew it was something you had to do.” She says emphatically.

“But the remark was directed at our relationship.” I insist.

“We have no relationship. Did we used to date? Yes, of course we did. At the time did I wish you could have juggled me and your music, absolutely. That’s all.”

“I just couldn’t.”

“Let’s be honest with each other alright? You could have, you just didn’t want to, which I understand now. You wanted something different and that’s fine. It turned out the guy that broke up with me was not the guy I wanted either.”

I look at her puzzled, “What do you mean?”

“You changed from the kid I used to know. Every time you came back home for a visit, things were different. That wasn’t the guy I was in love with, I just didn’t want to let go. You actually did me a favor by ending it. I could move on and live my life. Chad and I are happy together, so in a way I have you to thank for that.”

I had never thought about it like that. I can’t even come up with a response as I stare at her. And I most certainly am not responsible for that Fucker being in her life.

Em turns up the TV, “It doesn’t matter now does it? There’s no point in digging up the past, let’s just enjoy the show.”

I watch her watch the TV and look at her up and down. Her body matured, like all people do once they hit college and beyond. All the guys in high school were always asking her out and I used to watch her like a hawk in class, but I knew Emily would never hurt me. I wonder if I hadn’t left, if things would have turned out differently. Then I mentally slap myself for thinking that and go back to Friends.

Em kicks off her shoes like she used to and pulls her legs up underneath her as she watches the episode. I reach over absentmindedly and pull her legs out and put them in my lap, rubbing them. She shoots me a look like I’ve lost my mind, and for a second I had. Instinct still kicks in when I’m around her.

“You don’t have to.” Em says, pulling her foot forcefully away from my hands.

I hold on to her feet, “Were friends, its fine. I like doing things with my hands.”

I don’t notice how the comment came out until after it left my mouth and Em’s eyes bug out a little before reverting to a look she used to give me, “Well don’t we think highly of ourselves.”

I bite my lip and remember when we used to tease each other constantly with sexual innuendo. Gosh, I used to love making her squirm when I would whisper things in her ear at the dinner table when are parents weren’t looking or at school. She would shift in her seat and pretend that she didn’t hear me, but later attack me when we would go for one of our “walks” afterwards as our parents would talk.

“Yes I do. But to be fair, I’ve been told I’m the master, so I’m actually being modest.”

Emily scoffs and tries to keep from laughing as I rub her feet, “Who told you that? Trace?”

I let my jaw drop, “Oh no you didn’t.”

Em mocks seriousness, “Oh yes I did. What are you going to do about it?”

I pull her legs towards me and dive on her tickling her, “Stop!” she cries.

“Take it back!” I yell.

Emily shakes her head no as she twists underneath me, trying to get away from my assault on her.

“Alright J, alright, I take it back!”

I relent, hovering over her, “That’s more like it.”

Emily grins up at me until we both realize the compromising position were in as I am inches away from being pressed up against her. We both wait for the other to say something when we hear the front door open and Emily jumps sky high as I get on my side of the couch and she sits up.

“Hi honey, I got off of work early today.” Mom says, coming into the living room.

“Hi mom.” I say, out of breathe.

“Hi, oh Emily! It’s so nice to see you sweetheart.”

She hugs Emily and looks over her shoulder inquiring as to what she’s doing here. I smile and shrug my shoulders as if she just magically showed up on our couch. My mom’s eyes sparkle and I curse myself for getting caught with her like when we were teenagers and I used to sneak my hand up her sweater and pull it away the second we heard footsteps.

“Nice to see you Lynn.”

I turn off the TV and remain silent as mom talks to Emily. Out of the corner of her eye, I see mom watching me. I wipe the sweat of my palms on my jeans, “We were just watching some reruns of Friends.”

“Okay hon. That’s fine.” her voice coming out a little too sweetly.

“Listen, thanks for inviting me over Justin, but I have to go. Chad should be getting home from work soon and we have plans for tonight. See you Lynn.”

Emily practically runs from the room and out the door. Mom starts unpacking some of the groceries she bought, humming to herself.

“Listen mom,” I choke out, “Em and I were just watching TV.”

“Okay, so what?” mom says.

“Nothing, I just wanted you to know.” I say, walking out of the room.

“I’m just so glad that you and Emily are getting closer.”

I stop walking and sigh, going back into the kitchen, “Closer? I wouldn’t say closer. More like… bonding maybe?”

“Whatever you say hon.”

“No, it’s not what you’re thinking mom.” I stress.

“I’m not thinking anything.” Mom says smiling.

I stalk out of the room to play basketball. I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life. And I am SO not responsible for her and Chad. Where would she come up with that? I couldn’t have. Did I?

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