chapter one

“You saw him? In the flesh?” Kristen gasps, her mouth hanging open.

“Yes, it was miserable.” I moan, trying to remain calm as I shovel a spoonful of ice cream into my mouth. This is the last thing I need, more calories I’m going to have to work off.

Kris licks her lips, “How did he look?”

The look in her eyes tells me she’s not talking about the whole “he got taller” description. No, I know Kristen too well for that.

“I didn’t notice. Besides, I’m concentrating on Chad right now, not some ex that is now famous.”

Kristen puts her hand on her hip, “You mean to tell me you’ve never thought of him since you broke up even though his face and/or name is in the tabloids every day?”

“No, I didn’t and still don’t.” I say defiantly.

“But you had to notice if he’s chiseled, bigger down south than what you remember…”

“Kristen Thomas! Could we please focus on the issue at hand, like dinner with Chad?”

Kris raises her hands in retreat and grabs the carton of mint chocolate taking a bite. I lick my spoon clean and put it in the sink, “In all the time he has stopped here to see Lynn, we have never run into each other. Why the hell would it have to be now?”

Kris shrugs, “Maybe its fate.”

“Or maybe it’s bullshit. Listen, I’m going out with Chad tonight and I need something to wear.”

“You can borrow my black dress, the one that’s backless.”

I spin around quickly, “No, not the little black one. Can I borrow the blue one?”

“Sure. Chad loves anything you put on, but the backless one would sure gets his blood pumping.”

Kris puts her spoon in the sink and pets Abigail, my golden retriever as she begs for something to eat from the table. I pull my wavy hair into a pony tail and put the carton of ice cream away along with the memories that keep coming back to haunt me. It doesn’t matter now I remind myself; it’s all in the past.

________________________________________________________________________

“You knew she worked there!” I say, trying to keep myself from screaming at my mom.

“Honey, take it easy.” She says, stirring the milk into her coffee.

“How can I take it easy? You did that to me why?”

My mom puts her hand on my shoulder as I sit down in the chair at the kitchen table, “You two have been over for so many years, why would it matter if you saw her again? I told you she and I are still very close. Emily is like a daughter to me.”

“But I really am your son and it’s weird to see your ex after so long. It wasn’t a mutual breakup after all.” I stress, trying to get my point across.

“Alright honey, I apologize for sending you to a gas station where your ex was, okay? Besides, Em has been over you for a long time now. She even is dating a guy who’s an investment banker from New York.”

“It’s fine mom. I come here to relax and end up having an ulcer before I even arrive home.”

A knock at the door stops my mom from going any further with our conversation. She moves to the door and opens it, “Hi Trace.”

I get up as he comes barreling through the door, “Your back! How does it feel to be slumming with the rest of us normal people.”

“Like I need to do it more often.” I joke.

Trace opens his arms and gives me a hug, “It good to have you home man. We are going to have some major bonding time on our hands. How long do you plan on staying?”

“Until I find what I’m looking for.”

Trace laughs, “Do you even now what you’re looking for?”

“Not yet, but if I can’t find it here, then I don’t know what to do.” I reply.

Trace nods and sits down next to me as my mother grabs a basket of laundry and takes it upstairs. I fiddle with the pepper shaker until I hear her hit the top step and go into her room, “I saw Emily.”

Trace’s eyes widen, “Wow, you’ve been avoiding her for how many years now?”

“Seven years now. It’s been seven years.” I mumble.

Trace nods, “She got old didn’t she? I see her sometimes at the store and remember when you two were together.”

I stop myself from rolling my eyes and grab the sandwich that my mom made me, taking a bite. I never thought in a million years she’d still be here. It does go to prove my point though, I was right.

Flashback-

I stare at my feet while she cries in front of me, “Look, I just think we should end it.”

“But why?” she pleads.

“Because I don’t have a regular job and we never get to see each other.”

Emily sniffs, “I know, but I’m willing to work through this obstacle because I love you.”

I sigh in frustration, “NSYNC is big now and being tied down isn’t working for me anymore.”

She looks at me angrily now, “Being tied down isn’t working for you? What do you mean being in a relationship with me isn’t working for you?”

“I have to lie anyway to the press and say I’m single. Johnny says it’s better for my career. I want bigger and better things Em. We were cute together when we were young, but I’m nineteen now and I want other experiences.”

“You mean you want other women. I thought we were closer than that. I thought I knew you, but this Justin is a totally different person then the one who went out to make something of himself.” Em says.

“Exactly my point. I did make something of myself, but you’re not going anywhere. I am and I need someone who has the same goals, same dreams as I do. I want more out of life than to live and die in Memphis. More than you.”

Emily stares at me for a minute and I finally meet her gaze, “I’m going places Justin. You just wait and see. I’m going to be someone that matters, so just step back and watch. I’m glad you told me all this now, because you’d just get in my way later. I don’t need you.”

With that, Emil ran from Our Lake. I can still remember her running away from me, hair flying back as she disappeared through the trees surrounding the lake. End Of Flashback

I never spoke to her again, until this morning. She looked different, grown up maybe. She had this “girl next-door” look that was still present and her smile was still the same. She had matured though, you could see it simply in the way she walked, almost floated, through the store. But in the end, she was still here, probably destined to work a dead end job for minimum wage until she gets too old to work and dies here. I wanted more. I still do.

My mom comes back down the stairs and pulls up a chair, “Tonight I usually go see Marion. We spend the evenings together on the weekends. I think you should come with me and see her.”

I snort, “Go see Emily’s grandmother? Don’t you think that would be a little weird after all this time?”

“For goodness sakes Justin, you practically lived at her house with Emily when you were younger. Marion isn’t feeling well these days and I’m not sure how long she’ll be here with us.”

“I thought I was here to relax.” I complain.

“You can relax after you visit Marion. Is that too much to ask to visit someone who was like your own grandmother?”

All aboard the guilt train. Please insert foot in mouth and do as told. Crap.

Mom sweep her keys up in her hand and walks out to the car. I look over at Trace to receive a shrug. I slowly stand up and pout as I walk through the door with Trace at my heels. I get into the convertible and mom puts the top down.

“I’ll see you later dude. Have fun with Emily.”

I whirl my head around to face him, “What are you talking about? I’m going to see Marion.”

“Don’t you know? Emily’s parents moved to Chicago four years ago and she stayed behind. Emily now lives with her grandmother to take care of her.”

I glare at my mothers as she bites her lip, stepping on the gas and takes off with me as her hostage.

________________________________________________________________________

I bring in the steaming cup with Gram’s pill case, “Now Grandma, drink all of this tea and take your pills. Lynn will be here soon to sit with you.”

“Honey, I don’t need to be told what to do. I’m eight six and I can take care of myself. I’m not senile, just old.”

I give her the eyes, “I’m just trying to help Gram, you sometimes forget.”

“I know dear, but really, I’m fine.”

I shake my head and put the cup and the pills next to her on the end table.

“I’ll be back around midnight, so if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me.”

Grandma takes my hand, “You look beautiful honey.”

“Thanks Gram, now repeat my cell number.”

I know she thought my complimenting me she would get out of the routine. She crosses her arms in annoyance before giving in, “254-7453.”

“Thank you.” I say, kissing her cheek.

A knock at the door causes me to look up, “I’ll be right back Gram.”

I go to the kitchen and open the door, “Lynn, how are you.” I say, hugging her.

“Fine dear, just fine. You look stunning.”

“Thanks.”

She steps aside and Justin walks through the doorway. Fuck. Lynn looks at me like the cat that ate the canary and Justin shifts uncomfortable.

“Justin’s here for a long stay, just got into town.”

I try to smile and he fakes one in his mother’s direction, “Yep.”

“Nice to see you again. It’s been a long time.” I say through clenched teeth.

The color from my face is probably drained and I can’t even imagine what I must look like. Why me?

“Now where is your grandmother? Justin came to say hello with me for a while.”

“She inside, come on.” I walk into the living room as they follow me.

“Gram, look who came to visit you.”

She looks up and smiles, “Justin! I haven’t seen you in I don’t know how many years.”

Justin’s voice is barely audible as he leans over and hugs her, “Hi Marion.”

And he sings? God help America.

“You look more handsome than ever, don’t you think Em?”

That’s it, stroke his ego. Like it’s not inflated enough.

“He looks fine Gram.” I answer, steering away from my opinion on the subject matter.

“How is your singing job going?” Gram asks.

Justin’s chest puffs put a little, “It great. My records have been very successful.”

Then why are you here? That’s the million dollar question.

Gram smiles, “I remember when you and Em used to sing together on the swing set and play “radio.” You would sing whatever popped into your head in the loudest voice you possibly could.”

Lynn laughs with Gram but Justin and I remain silent.

“You must be enjoying your time back home, Lynn was telling me that you’re going to be here at least for the summer.”

Oh come on. God must hate me. Where was I during this important piece of information? I now need to find a way to avoid the pop superstar for at least the next three months. In this town, that should be an easy task with one grocery store, one bank, two restaurants and two gas stations. One of which I help out at. Ugh.

A noise of the door opening breaks the awkwardness and I sigh inwardly with relief as a familiar voice calls my name, “Emily?”

“I’m in here baby.” I respond.

Chad walks in and stands next to me, looping his arms around my waist as he eyes our company.

“Chad, you remember Lynn, and this is her son Justin.”

I see recognition and protectiveness appear in his eyes as he shakes Justin’s hand while keeping one pressed against my back, “Nice to meet you.”

Justin looks at him from head to toe nonchalantly before turning back to Gram, “You too.”

“Okay Gram, we are going to get out of here, I’ll see you later.”

“Alright dear, have a good time.”

“I’ll see you later Lynn. You and Gram both have my phone number incase anything happens. We’ll be at Angelo’s in town.”

“Have a good time Em. Nice to see you again Chad.” Lynn says.

Chad slowly pulls me towards the exit, “You too Mrs. Harless. Bye Marion.”

I hold Chad’s hand and we go out to his car and get in, “That was awkward.” I say, leaning my head back against the headrest.

“You dated him? What the hell did you see in him anyway?” Chad says, starting the car up and putting it in reverse as we back out of the driveway.

I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, “I have no idea. None at all.”

________________________________________________________________________

I stare in the direction that Emily left. What the hell does she see in that guy? Obviously her taste has dropped dramatically. Mom notices where my gaze is and I quickly snap back to pretending I’m not here. I love Marion, don’t get me wrong. She was wonderful to me while I was growing up, but now, things are weird.

Marion takes mom’s hand, “I worry about her so much. I don’t know Chad all that well even though they’ve been seeing each other for a year now, but mostly she worried me because I’m afraid her spirit is dying. It’s a heavy load to care for me every day.”

Mom rubs Marion’s hand, “She wants to be here with you. Emily loves you very much, I don’t think you need to worry. She successful, beautiful, dating someone who can take care of her and loves life. You can’t ask for more than that. She’s going to be fine as well as you.”

Marion sighs, “I guess you’re right. I just feel the need to tell her what path to walk sometimes. Funny, I thought she’d end up with someone else and be in a totally different scenario.”

Her eyes get glassy and I know exactly what she wanted. It’s the same thing mom wants and the same thing Emily’s parents wanted. Hell, when I remember correctly, it’s what I thought I wanted as a kid. It was always assumed we would end up together, but never that I had the potential too big to hold me down, even if the obstacle was Emily.

Marion laughs away the tears, “Promise me Lynn that when I leave this earth, you’ll help Em get through it.”

“I would do anything in the world for Emily. Thankfully you will be here with us for a long time to come.”

Ten o’clock could not have rolled around any slower and we finally leave Marion’s. I zoned out for a while, thinking about how things used to be. There are pictures of Em when she was little covering the house. I know exactly when each one was taken and the stories behind them. One is of Em sitting in a tree way high up when she was five. It was taken right before I climbed up and convinced her that she could fly. Em leaped from the tree, flapping her arms, but of course fell to the ground like a rock. She ended up breaking her arm and had to sit in the emergency room for five hours. My mom punished me severely, but what I remember most is feeling so guilty I ended up practically becoming her servant for a month.

Another picture is of her sitting on the beach. That was the day we went out into the deep water together for the first time. Emily held my hand and wouldn’t let go. We pretended we were orphaned sea babies who only had each other. That’s how we always imagined our life, alone together. I thought she’d never let go that day, her hand gripped mine so tightly. But she did. Sometimes when I’m wake up from a deep sleep, I can still feel her hand in pressed in mine, hanging on for protection.

The last one I focused on was of Emily in her black dress, ready to go off to one of the local dances with me at seventeen. That was the night we first had sex. She was so nervous her hands were shaking and I had to comfort her. I brought a sleeping bag that fit two down to the lake in May. It was warm enough so the ground was soft but cold enough to be in the sleeping bag without dying from the heat. I held her through the entire thing, whispering things in her ear and trying to make her feel good. I was so nervous myself that I’m sure I wasn’t very good, but I do know that she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen at eighteen.

Mom interrupts my thoughts, “What are you daydreaming about?”

“Nothing of any importance.” I answer.

“Marion has become frailer in the last two months than I have ever seen her. Emily’s really worried.”

“You can tell that Marion doesn’t feel way just by the way she moves now.” I comment.

Mom nods, “Poor Emily doesn’t know what to do and the doctors say there is nothing they can do for Marion now. Old age has finally caught up with her.”

I sigh, “That’s sad. She was so sweet to me as a child.”

“Life comes so quickly Justin. I hope you never take life for granted.”

“I’m trying not to mom, I’m trying not to.”

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