chapter eighteen

I haven’t talked to Em in three days. I have called her about a thousand times but she never picks up. I went over and knocked on the door but she doesn’t answer and on top of it all, I had to explain why the hell I am bugging her enough that she could legally get a restraining order without a snap of her fingers.

Then there are the magazines. Emily is now what we call a hot commodity. The good news is that people know now her name outside the world of glamour and E! reported her business is booming since being revealed as one of the premier jewelry designers. That’s great. Except for the fact that now the girl that has finally been revealed as my girlfriend will not speak to me. Now not only has my private life been revealed to the world I now have deal with Emily.

My mother has seemingly decided to take Em’s side and I have been demoted to a yes or no answer. There goes the last part of my sanity. Trace sits across from me at the table and just stares, like he can’t believe that I did what I did. I’m not proud of it. I know how much I must have hurt her and that I have to apologize. I don’t know what in me causes me to run away from relationships like I do, but if there was ever a relationship to give it a try with, it ours.

“I need to talk to her.” I say out loud to no one in particular.

“Look dude, I’m was first to go and pick up a different girl every night with you before Heather, but what you did to our best friend is inexcusable.”

I hang my head slightly in shame. Our best friend. That’s what she was for so long. As long as I can remember she has always been there for me through thick and thin. I’m the one who wasn’t there for her when she needed me, I’m the one who ended our relationship in the first place and I’m the one who doesn’t know what to do. I now what the right thing to do is, I just don’t know if I can do what I should. Be the kind of guy she deserves. The one that wants to be around her and hold her and tell the world this is the only woman in the world for me.

My mother enters the room and holds the phone out, “It’s for you.” She says coldly.

I get up from my seat and answer the phone.

________________________________________________________________________

I put things into my luggage as I pack up my things. I have cried for three days strait and finally decided I’m done crying. Kris is sitting on the bed watching me pack up everything has gotten to her as well, her face red and splotchy from crying with me. I touch Gram’s things gently as I place them in a box to be taken by truck to California. Kris sniffs a little and holds me pillow against her chest, “I’m so sorry the way things happened with Justin.”

I freeze at the sound of his name. It’s going to take me a little while to get used to hearing his name again without thinking about the pain, “You were right. I should have listened to you. I’m not sure why I didn’t except that when I was with him, I felt like I had finally gotten him back. Like things might be like they were when we were younger. I was incredibly wrong. He’s not the guy I was in love with.”

“He does love you, he just doesn’t know what to do with it.” Kris says, trying to comfort me.

“I so badly wanted him to be the guy I saw in him. The guy who loved me above all else and I was willing to overlook his imperfections. But in the end, I can’t overlook the shame he feels when he’s with me. Like I’m not good enough to be with him or something. Life is about looking past people’s faults and loving them for them, but some faults you just don’t look past.”

Kris moves her head against mine, “I love you, always remember that alright?”

I pick my head up from hers and smile, “I was thinking, maybe you and I could move to California together. Share the house if you wanted to.”

Kris looks at me in shock, “What about my job?” “It’s California Kris, they need the most help out of all. I think you could get a job as a physiatrist out there.”

Kris smirks, “Maybe I’ll stay here until I find a job there and then I could stay with you.”

“I would really like that. I don’t want to be alone anymore, I want to be in the company of someone I know would never hurt me.”

“I never would Em.” Kris says soothingly.

“I know. You are the only one.”

________________________________________________________________________

I walk to our lake after I got a message on the machine saying to meet her at our spot. I walk through the trees as her body becomes clear as she sits on a rock. I go over to her and touch her back gently, “Hey.”

Her body tenses up and she hops off the rock, “Hi.”

I look into her eyes and see she is totally detached from me, which may be a good thing after I get done telling her my news, “Listen, I’m really sorry about what happened.”

Emily tries to control her anger, “You’re sorry about how things happened but not sorry that you did what you did.”

I sigh in frustration, “What do you want me to tell you?”

“I didn’t come here to argue with you, I came to tell you that I’m leaving.”

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won
So I took what's mine by eternal right
Took your soul out into the night
It may be over but it won't stop there,

I stand in shock for a moment before regaining my composure, “Well maybe that’s a good thing. I just got a call from my agent and I have to leave for California to do a movie. We’ll be in the same state.”

“What were you going to do before I said I was leaving? Tell me to have a nice life?” Em asks questioningly.

“To be honest, I don’t know.” I mutter.

I am here for you if you'd only care
You touched my heart you touched my soul
You changed my life and all my goals
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you
I've kissed your lips and held your head
Shared your dreams and shared your bed
I know you well, I know your smell
I've been addicted to you

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

Em shakes her head, “Well I guess this is goodbye.”

“When are you leaving?”

Em smiles softly, “Today.”

“Today?” I ask, shocked.

She nods, “They people I bought my house from agreed to close the deal because they had moved out anyway.”

“So give me your address, I’ll come see you when I leave in a few weeks.”

Em bites her lip, “No Justin.”

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile
I've watched you sleeping for a while
I'd be the father of your child
I'd spend a lifetime with you
I know your fears and you know mine
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true
I cannot live without you

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

“I don’t understand.”

“Justin, I have spent my whole life trying to get over you. When I’m with you I feel more pain and more complete at the same time than I have ever felt in my life. And as much as when I’m with you I feel at home, I can’t take being with someone who doesn’t love me.”

“Emily, can’t we just keep going?” I beg.

“I can’t just keep going. I don’t want to just keep going. I want to be with someone who can’t wait to commit, and that’s not you. For once, I’m going to do something that’s good for me, even if it means losing what little I have of you.”

And I still hold your hand in mine
In mine when I'm asleep
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet
Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow

Em starts to tear up and she hugs me and gives me one last kiss on the cheek, “I’ll always love you. Remember that J.”

She runs off and I watch as my life flashes back to years ago when I first broke her heart, blonde hair flying in the wind.

________________________________________________________________________

Her plane is taking off this very second. She’s headed to California to live and I have no idea where. I sit in my room in utter shock at the whole thing. My foot hits something underneath the bed and I bend down and look to see what it is. It’s the box that Marion gave to me before she died.

I open the box to reveal every single picture that had been erased when Em and I broke up. Pictures of us as children and teenagers. I feel emotions swell as I look through each picture. I lost the one person that really knew me. Really was my other half. And I let her go. I drop the box on the floor and the pictures scatter all over, memories running over never to be forgotten.

You said the way my blue eyes shine
Put those Georgia stars to shame that night,
I said: “That’s a lie.”

James Blunt- Goodbye My Lover

Taylor Swift- Tim McGraw