chapter eleven

I pick up my phone and called my publicist, “Hey Mark, it’s Justin.”

“Hi, what can I do for you?”

I sigh, “There was a photographer who took my picture yesterday and I need to keep it from being printed.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m in North Carolina.”

“What the hell are you doing there?”

I look around the corner to see Emily playing on the floor with the dog, “I’m here with a girl, but the problem is that she’s engaged and her name is known. I don’t want her fiancé finding out through a fucking magazine that she’s cheating on him.”

I hear Mark breathe heavily, “How big of a celebrity is she?”

“Not one where the paparazzi would know her face, she owns a successful jewelry business that the celebrities love. The point is that the photographer may not know what they have, so please work out a settlement for those pictures. I don’t care what it costs me.”

“I can try. If they think they caught you shopping with some random girl then we can probably work something out, but if they know that this girl you’re with has a fiancé, they won’t care how much money we throw at them. A scandal will bring in more money and publicity, you know that’s far more important than anything you want or she wants.”

“Okay, please call me as soon as you know something.”

I hang up and go out, sitting on the floor next to Emily. She leans against me and I can feel her breathing against me.

“How are you?” I ask.

“I don’t know. Lost I guess. I’m going to have to tell Chad I cheated on him, and he’s going to want to know who the hell I slept with, which is only appropriate and then… I don’t know.”

I rub her arm, “Hold off telling him for a couple of days. The magazine won’t print them for a few days unless they thought they had something. By then my publicist is working on getting the pictures. You may not have to tell him after all if we can get a hold on the pictures and the negatives.”

“What are we doing?”

I swallow hard. This is the question I have been trying to avoid since the day I kissed her.

“What do you mean?”

She turns to look me in the eye, “Us. What are we? Friends with benefits? Just benefits, or are we just friends? Are we even friends at all or are we just reliving the past, what it was like when we were younger and things were simpler.”

“How should I know?” I ask in exasperation.

“You should. You kissed me first, we slept together than you ask me to leave my fiancé to hide away with you in North Carolina. I have always been the one to care more about you than you did about me. I would like some answers as to where you want to take this thing. I think I deserve that at the least.”

I take my eyes away from her, “Do we really have to put a name on it right now? Can’t we just keep doing what were doing?”

Emily crosses her arms over her chest, “And what exactly are we doing? Please tell me because I’m dying to know.”

I get up from the floor and throw my hands u in the air, “I don’t know Em, but we were doing just fine until this point in time.”

Emily shakes her head, “You’re still the same. You can’ handle any responsibilities. God forbid you should be tied down to someone for any amount of time.”

I throw her a dirty look and she gets annoyed, running upstairs to the bedroom. I hear a door slam and look at Abbey who can’t seem to figure out what she’s done wrong.

“It’s not you girl, it’s me.”

I throw myself on the bed and cry into the pillow. Talk about history repeating itself. Just when you think you’re safe, you get the rug pulled out from under you.

________________________________________________________________________

My phone starts to ring and I answer it, “Hello?”

“Okay, where the hell are you.” Kristen asks angrily.

“North Carolina.” I whisper.

“What are you doing in North Carolina? I was so worried about you after I called your house at least a dozen times and then went to see you and you had mysteriously disappeared.”

“Sorry Kris, I kind of took off in a hurry.”

“Why?”

“Because Justin and I-”

“Wait a second, you’re there with Justin?”

“Kind of?” I answer.

“Oh no. Why do I feel like this is more than a trip with a friend? Did you sleep with him?”

“Well, maybe… Okay, yeah, I did.” I say sheepishly.

“Emily Haywood! What about Chad, you know, the guy you agreed to marry? What are you thinking going away with Justin?”

I hold my head in my hand, “I don’t know Kris. Chad doesn’t know what’s going on, he thinks I’m on a business trip in California. I just had to be with Justin.” I trail off.

“So you lied to him? There is a good quality in a fiancée.”

“I know, I’m lower than dirt.” I admit.

But why hon? Chad is so good to you and you turn around and cheat on him with a guy who left you once and is going to do it to you again as soon as his little vacation is over. You two live in completely different worlds. You’re jeopardizing everything you have worked to get for him.”

“Because I need him. Deep down, I don’t feel whole unless I’m around him, no matter how much pain he causes me.”

“Em, it’s called an addiction, not a relationship.” Kris reminds me.

I peer out the door before shutting it again, “Kris, I love him.”

“No, you don’t. Emily, think of Chad.”

“I have, but I love J. I’ve tried getting over him, it just doesn’t work. I love him.”

Kristen sighs, “Nothing I say is going to change your mind, so I guess the next thing you are going to have to do is tell Chad.”

“I know, I’m just putting it off for a little while, although I don’t know for how much longer since this photographer got a picture of the two of us together.”

“Let me give you a little piece of advice, tell him before those pictures hit the paper or else things are going to be even worse than they are now.”

“Alright Kris, I have to go.”

“I love you Em, you know that.”

“I know, you are only looking out for me.”

Kris softens her voice, “Alright, bye.”

“Bye.”

I toss the phone on the bedside table and wrap my arms around a pillow lying next to me, hugging it to my chest. I hate feeling alone and Gram creeps into my thoughts as I try to keep from crying as her face appears in my mind. I don’t want to deal with any grief right now.

A knock causes me to get under the covers of the bed and pull them over my head. I don’t care if it seems childish, I’m not completely comfortable being overly emotional with Justin, last time I did that it blew up in my face. I feel him sit on the bed and pull back the covers as he slides underneath the blankets with me, “Look, I’m sorry alright?”

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

I turn over to look at him, “It’s not about sorrys Justin, it’s about how you feel about me, how this thing we are doing is going to end. I’d like to think it won’t end with me in tears this time.”

“You were wrong, I do care about you as much as you care about me. I do.”

I snorts, “Well, you sure don’t show it.”

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear

“I’m trying my best here Em. Everything is just moving so fast, I’m just trying to catch my breath here.”

“So am I Jay. The truth of the matter is that I never should have slept with you or agreed to do this. I’m sorry. I knew exactly what I was in for and I still did it.”

“Don’t say that Em.”

Justin moves so he’s on top of me and kisses me. I breathe in his scent and it reminds me of when we were younger and we would curl up together on the couch and sleep. He really loved me when we were younger, but he seems so far removed from everything, kind of like me.

“Em, let’s not give up on us just because we can’t think of a name to describe us.” But I can. And it kills to know he doesn’t think of me that way. It’s the story of my life, this is why Kris is so protective, my mother is a fucking Nazi and Chas is so upset when it comes down to Justin. It has always come down to Justin.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen..
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

________________________________________________________________________

Emily lays back on the pillow and I just lay with her. I cuddle her and hum a few songs to her in her ear.

“We have to go home J.” she whispers.

I cringe at the tone of her voice. I know why she feels the way she feels, I just don’t know what to do about it. Neither of us know anything, except that we have to be with one another. She is me and I am her. It’s like that saying, one soul dwelling in two bodies. That’s us.

“I know we do.”

“I have to go home to Chad. He loves me.”

Like I don’t. He just happens to be more open towards her. I’m trying though, I’m not about to let him win. That bastards going down.

“No he doesn’t.” I retort.

Emily groans and pushes away from me, but there is no where for her to go, “Was he there for you at the lake? Was he there for you at the funeral? Was he there when you needed someone? The answer is no. I was there though. I was there for you.”

“Yes, you were there for me when I needed someone, but would you have been there if you were off making an album somewhere or filming a movie? No. You and I both know you wouldn’t be here. Up until a little over a month ago, you forgot I even existed.”

Emotion rises in my voice, “I have never forgotten about you Em. I can still feel you holding my hand at night.”

She looks at me in surprise, “Like your squeezing my hand and my palm fits in yours?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“Justin, I feel it too. Sometimes when I’m sleeping I feel like your holding my hand.”

I feel her breathing increase and I lean down and kiss her hard. That’s the end of that conversation.

________________________________________________________________________

The next morning we packed up everything we brought and put it in the car. I got rid of the things that could go bad in the fridge and toss it. I pour the milk down the drain as Emily goes out to the car and puts the last of her things in the trunk. I haven’t called Trace yet to tell him where I was, though I’m sure he figures I’m in California or somewhere equally popular. My mom won’t be back from Maine with Jon until Friday, which leaves me two days and nothing is better than not having to explain what I have been doing with Em.

The phone starts to ring and I pick it up, “Hello?”

“I got your pictures.”

I feel relief flood over me. Thank God. /BR> “Dude, are you sure?”

“Yep, I got everything. It cost us about ten grand, but I got it. They were suspicious as to why we wanted the pictures, but I told them it was your cousin because apparently they didn’t get a picture of her face, ergo the pictures aren’t going to sell.”

“Thanks so much dude.”

“No problem, that’s why you pay me.”

I hang up and Emily comes back in the house, “Em, my publicist got the pictures, you don’t have to tell Chad.”

Emily smiles hard and runs over to me, wrapping her arms around my waist, “Thank you so much J.”

I hug her against me, but feel empty. The truth of the matter is, I want her to tell Chad. I don’t want her to go back to him when we get home. Go back to him and his bed. She’ll never be his. She’s mine, and that’s all there is to it.

Sarah MacLauchlan- Fallen

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