chapter nine

I haven’t been spending much time at home lately. The thought of having to confront Justin is too much for me right now. I’m not even sure I know what I want to say to him. I’m angry, hurt and maybe deep down even a little scared. On top of it all, he was the last person I expected not to understand how I feel. So that may explain why I’m at the record store right now with Will, laughing over some stupid article in Rolling Stone. I don’t tell him about my past history with the magazine since it never quite made it to print and something’s should be kept totally private.

“I’m telling you these ass’s think that by writing a fucking article on some rapper makes them as important as brain surgeons. They take themselves way too seriously and write the most mundane things. I mean, this isn’t even music,” Will says, holding up one of the newly released cd to go platinum.

I smile and take the cd from his hand and putting it back in it’s rightful place, “That will get the sales up here. Give that speech to the people who come in here and you can guarantee you’ll be out of business in no time.”

Will smiles, “I do my best.”

“I know you do. Wonderful sales job with the guy who came in here earlier.”

He rolls his eyes, “Is it my fault the guy wanted to buy Nobody’s Angel? I was just giving him my honest opinion.”

“By laughing at him when you asked what he was looking for?” I say sarcastically.

“Who even listens to them anymore? No one listened to them when they came out. I’m pretty sure everyone who ever owned that cd has lied about it and eventually burned there copy to get rid of the evidence.”

I take a bite of my cold Chinese food and laugh, “Okay, okay. Give it a rest.”

My mind wanders a little as it tends to do when I’m here. I love that it’s quiet and very few people come in here. I have Will’s company as he has seemed to overlook the fact that I’m famous by association and treat me like an actual human being. Like I have feelings and thoughts of my own. Something Justin isn’t grasping these days.

Of course like an idiot I forgot my purse at the house as I snuck out this morning and left all my things in it, including the keys to the house so I just pray that Rob is there when I finally come home to open the door for me. I really don’t want to have to talk to Justin. And my wallet, which I need badly because it has the money I need in it for tonight’s moment of truth. At least I can ignore that all for right now.

“So you have any plans today or are you going to be hanging out here all day with me?”

I wipe my mouth and put my chopsticks down, “I really don’t have any plans. Why?”

Will shrugs, “I was just wondering since if you weren’t I was going to wait to unpack the new vinyl albums until tomorrow. I know how much you enjoy looking at them.”

I feel a smile tug at my lips, “Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me, I enjoy your company. I forgot what it was like to have someone else here to work with.”

I look over at him curiously, “There used to be someone else here with you?”

He nods, “Yeah but because of cut backs on the budget here, I was the only employee they kept on.”

I chuckle softly, “What was her name?”

Will starts to blush, “Excuse me?”

I shake my head, “Don’t play innocent with me. I can see it in your eyes when you were talking.”

He wipes his hands on the paper napkins sprawled out on the counter, “I’m a easy person to read I guess. Her name was Mary.”

“There’s a name you don’t hear too often anymore,” I comment.

Will nods, “She wasn’t like anyone else I had ever met.”

“What did she look like?”

He sighs, “Oh you know, the cheerleader type. Blonde hair, blue eyes and a figure to die for.” I cock my head to the side, “Doesn’t really sound like you’re type.”

“She wasn’t… until she spoke. When all her friends were gone and it was just us alone, we would talk for hours,” he says letting a smile appear on his features, “She was just…. Great.”

“So what happened?” I press.

Will smoothes back his hair, “Them she was let go and she eventually stopped coming in here. Last I heard she followed her boyfriend to Arizona to go to school with him.”

I put my hand on his shoulder, “That must have been really painful.”

He brushes off my concern, “What’s meant to happen happens. Right?”

I bite my lower lip, “I guess so.”

________________________________________________________________________

I sit down in my chair and go over some of the tracks I put down a few minutes ago. Nothing is sounding the way I want it to. Probably because I’m so exhausted from fighting with Beth. Lord knows we have done are fair share of yelling at each other before but it has never been anything serious. At least not until now. Which means that I don’t sleep because one, I spend all night thinking over our fight and what we said to each other and two, because I have become so accustomed to having her next to me that when she sleeps on the other side of the bed it makes me nuts.

Gia knocks on the wood paneling, “Can I come in?”

I pull a chair out with my foot to gesture for her to sit down. She carefully steps over all my notes that I flung everywhere a few minutes ago and makes herself comfortable, “So how is it going?”

I rub my hands over my face, “It’s not going well at all.”

“With Beth or your music?”

I laugh bitterly, “Both. Beth is off somewhere running. Though how she can run from seven in the morning until nine at night without breaking a sweat is beyond my comprehension and my music… well it’s just kicking my ass.”

Gia twirls one of her curls tightly around her finger, “I haven’t spoken to her at all. I’ve tried calling her cell a few times but either she’s just not there or she’s avoiding my calls.”

“Your guess is as good as mine. She’s become a complete mystery to me over the last month and a half.”

“Is there something going on?”

I shrug, “I have no idea. She won’t talk to me. The last time we really spoke was about the baby. I don’t know if it’s because she’s not pregnant yet and she’s upset or if something else happened. I just don’t know.”

Gia reaches out and pats my hand, “I’m sure it’s just a phase she’s going through right now.”

“I sure as hell hope you’re right because I am at my wits end.”

“I think the only thing you can do right now is hang in there and hope that she’s just going to crack and coming running back to you. She just lost her footing at the moment.”

I lean back into the chair and recline a little, “When did you become so wise?”

She smiles, “I’ve always been this way, you were just too stupid to realize.”

I smack her leg playfully, “Thanks G.”

Gia stands up and glances in the corner as she walks out, “Well Beth couldn’t have gone very far, she left her purse.”

I spin around in the chair to see the bag sitting in the corner, “I guess you’re right.”

She smiles and leaves as I pick it up and put it on the counter. She probably forgot she put it here but she couldn’t need it too badly or she wouldn’t have left without finding it. I get up to grab some dinner when the purse falls over and spills it’s contents onto the floor. I swear as I consider the luck I’m having today and put the items back into the bag until I pick up an item I’m all to familiar with and feel what little cool I had boil over.

________________________________________________________________________

I wipe a few stray tears from my face as I walk up the driveway. I suspected the worst but to actually have your fears confirmed is a whole nother thing. Doing something like this alone was never how I pictured it. Not once. I guess life screws us all. I thank god though that I had those few dollars in my pocket and didn’t have to wait any longer to find out. I open the front door quietly and go to put my foot on the step when I hear his voice, “Did you think you could fool me?”

I turn around to see a very angry Justin and sigh, “What the hell are you talking about?”

He just shakes his head, “You left you’re purse here today.”

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

I have the urge to roll my eyes at his stupid remark but I refrain because of the look on his face, “So?”

“I found you’re birth control pills in there.”

I close my eyes thinking I really don’t have the energy for this, “Listen-”

“No you listen,” he says, interrupting me, “I thought we said we were going to try to have a baby and now I find out you have been taking birth control pills? Are you having a affair too?”

I laugh at the sheer lunacy of the idea, “Have you lost you’re mind?”

He puts his hand over his mouth the way he does when he’s trying to control himself, “I think I have been more than patient with you lately. I mean you don’t talk to me, you run out and are gone all day of which I have no idea where you are and then you pull this. I just don’t know who you are anymore.”

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

I angrily take the pill case from his hands, “Did you even open it Justin?”

He gives me a angry look, “What?”

“Did you even open it up?” I growl.

“No.”

I throw my hands up in the air, “Of course you didn’t. Because if you had, you would have seen that I haven’t taken them in over a month. Asshole,” I spat.

He grabs the case from me and pops it open to discover what I already know. I’m not on the pill. His face goes white and he stand still for a moment before putting his hand out to me. I back up and go over the coffee table where he so smugly had my purse, waiting to catch me with the proof.

I don’t even bother to grab some clothes because he would only block my exit as he is trying to do now, “I’m sorry Beth.”

I have heard that one too many times. I push him away from the door and open it, looking back only to get the last word as I shut the door, “Oh and congratulations. I’m pregnant.”

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

10