chapter six

I stir as someone shakes me until I open my eyes and see Shane kneeling next to me. He holds out his hand and helps me stand, “You slept here all night?”

I nod silently and move the hair away from my face harshly. I sniff a little as I try and compose myself though most of pride has been stripped away. Shane sighs as he looks at me but doesn’t ask what the matter is. Just by the look on his face he knows it’s because of problems between me and Justin. He surveys me before handing me his cup of coffee, “You need it more than I do.”

I take the steaming liquid gratefully, “Thank you.”

“Do you want to go home now? I can have someone drive you home if you are too tired.”

I try to smile, “No I have a lot to do today so I’m just going to get started,” I lie.

He smirks, “I know you too well for that shit. Why don’t you just call Gia?”

“Because she’s working with Justin and I can’t talk to her about this right now.”

Shane shakes his head as he closes the door so no one can hear us, “Whatever it is you should just talk to Justin. I have yet to see him fight with you.”

“You haven’t seen him the last few days,” I remark, rubbing my forehead.

“Come one, he adores you. Are you trying to tell me there is something you two can’t work out?”

I sit down in the chair and swivel around, “The truth of the matter is it’s my fault.”

“Since when can you do any wrong in his eyes? The man worships the ground you walk on.”

I set the coffee down on my desk, “Believe it or not there are things that we disagree on. It’s just this one big thing we can’t seem to move past.”

He pulls me up and puts my sweater on my arm, “Go home and talk to him. You guys are hosting that party tonight anyway. I don’t think you want to do that mad.”

I try to protest but to no avail as he drags me out to the parking lot and puts me in the car, “Come back when you’re able to think strait alright?”

I reluctantly turn on the engine thinking to myself that this isn’t going to be a overnight thing unless someone gives in. And frankly after last night, I can safely say that it’s not going to be Justin. Which in turn means that I either have to give in or leave. And it’s tearing me apart because either way I lose him.

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I watch her just sit in the driveway for what has got to be and hour now. She just sits there. Every time she has gone to open the door she stops herself. It’s kind of like watching a car accident in slow motion, really ugly and painful. I see her hand go to the handle and finally open the door as I scramble from my position of peering out the window to act like I haven’t been waiting for her to return since the second I heard her car start last night.

The door opens and I ignore her as she comes in and puts her sweatshirt on the chair. I feel her eyes on me but I refuse to make a move. I’m hurt and after much consideration of whether I was wrong on not, I have come to the conclusion that I have every right to be upset with her.

Beth sinks down next to me on the couch, “Justin?”

I have practiced what I was going to say to her, really lay into her but nothing and I mean nothing can prepare me for the way her voice can bring me to my knees. The one that tells me she loves me, the one that I remember hearing as I almost died and the one I need to hear every day in order to keep my sanity.

My head turns despite my best judgment and my voice gives me away, “What?”

Her finger touches my hand as she bites her lip, “I’m sorry for what I said to you last night.”

“Which part?” I ask bitterly.

Her face buries itself in my neck and she kisses the skin softly. She always did know my weak spot, “For saying you wouldn’t make a good father. And for insinuating that you drink, because I know you don’t.”

That is about all it takes to thaw my outer shell and pull her on top of me, touching our foreheads together, “And for the sorry ass comment?”

She nods, closing her eyes, “I’m sorry for being a bitch. I hate fighting with you. Really.”

I smile chalking her mood up to PMS, “Does that mean you want to try and have a baby?”

Her body freezes as she takes a deep breath, making me doubt if this is all going to go as happily as I had just been imagining two seconds ago, “You still want to?”

I nod stiffly and she forces a smile, “I wasn’t sure after how I reacted you would still want me to be a mother to your child,” she says laughing uncomfortably.

“It wouldn’t be mine, it would be ours.”

“If that’s what you want…… then we can try to have a baby.”

My smile much be fucking stretched from ear to ear, “And you’re sure?”

She nods and I pick her up spinning her around the room, “Woo!”

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I think I’m beginning to feel nauseous already and I’m not even pregnant. But someone had to give in and the look on his face makes me swallow the scream threatening to come out. Gia comes into the room looking concerned, “What going on?”

Justin stops spinning me and abruptly sets my body back on the ground, “We’re going to have a baby.”

Gia gets that face she got when she found out she was expecting. That one my mother got when she was expecting Sam. Gia comes running over and hugs me tightly, “You’re pregnant!”

I manage to pry her arms from my neck, “No.”

“Okay….” she says confused.

“We are going to try and have a baby,” Justin clarifies.

“Oohh!” and the arms go back around my neck. Don’t puke, don’t puke, don’t puke.

I try and smile as she tells me how happy she is for us as the room spins around me. Suddenly I feel very dizzy and back up onto the couch. Justin claps his hands together, “And on that happy note, we have to get ready for the party tonight. The caterer called and said they would be over in an hour.”

I nod and search through my purse for my travel size bottle of Advil. It’s time like there where consuming the entire entity of the medicine seems like a good idea. As I search I come across my birth control pills and gently touch them like it was some precious diamond or something with equal value. My period won’t be here for another two weeks and knowing Justin, he’ll want to start trying as soon as tonight. I carefully slide them into one of the pockets for safe keeping and zip it back up.

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Crowds of people swarm the gigantic party making donations to the cause and eating the buffet. I thought we could never fill this house up with people but apparently I was wrong. I sip on what could be my last glass of champagne for a while watching Lexi and Shane do their jobs. I tried to mingle but I just couldn’t stomach it. I watch as Justin laughs with someone and remind myself it was this or nothing. Some fucking choice.

Gia comes over to me and unfortunately after all this time has picked up on how to read me when I don’t express I’m upset. Something Justin hasn’t quite got down pat obviously, “How’s it going?”

I smile at her, “its going.”

She nods, “Pretty exciting, you having a baby and all.”

I lick my lips carefully, “Justin’s pretty excited.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?” I ask taking another glass from the nearest waiter.

Gia takes the glass from me and puts it down, “How are you feeling about it. Because if I’m not mistaken, you didn’t seen to happy when Justin told me the good news.”

I really want that glass of champagne back she’s holding hostage but I don’t think I’ll be drinking anymore under her watchful eye. They had to hire the responsible personal assistant, “Where’s Tyson?” I ask in hopes that she’ll just roll with it.

“With Derek. You know Beth, there has never been anything that we couldn’t talk about together.”

I guess this is the beginning of a lot of firsts for me, “I’m just tired. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

She puts her hand on my back, “Alright, if that’s what you want.”

“It’s just too busy right now,” I insist.

I watch Shane as he goes up to the microphone and smiles at everyone, “Thank you all for coming,” he says, his voice bouncing through the room making everyone stop their conversation, “I want to give a big thanks to those who donated money to this particular cause that effect hundreds of thousands every day. We really appreciate it. And I want to thank Bethany Addison as well on behalf of all of us. She not only planned this whole thing but opened up her house to all of us.”

A round a applause breaks out and I try and smile, walking up to the microphone, “Thank you Shane. It has been a rollercoaster ride the past few years as I’m sure you all know. But none of this would even be possible if it wasn’t for my….. my other half, Justin.”

Because it’s not really about me anymore. I just have to suck it up and deal with the fact that losing him later is better than having to walk out now. Justin smiles and comes up to me, putting his arm around my waist, “Yeah thank you all. Now get the hell out of my house.”

Laughter rings through the room and everyone gathers up their stuff and say their goodbyes. The caterer is already cleaning up as I sink down into the nearest chair, putting my feet up. Lexi comes over to me, her jacket in hand, “It was a nice party.”

“Yeah it turned out well I thought.”

Lexi surveys the room as Shane dismantles some of the tables that are being put into the catering truck, “We raised over three million.”

“Good.”

She pats my arm, “Then I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Bye Lexi.”

Shane grabs his jacket as well and sits on the ottoman in front of my chair, “I see you and Justin are back to being everyone’s favorite couple to hate.”

I chuckle nodding, “That would be us.”

“You don’t look so happy,” he points out, playing with a button on his jacket.

“Don’t worry about it,” I reassure him.

“Okay, I’ll see you. Get some sleep kid,” he says, pulling my feet up on the ottoman as he vacates it.

Finally everyone leaves and there is silence in the house. I tiredly get to my feet and put the last glass in the sink. I pause there looking out the window to the backyard. Some arms slip around me and a pair of lips press themselves against my head, “Hey gorgeous.”

“Hi,” I whisper.

“You want to go upstairs?” he asks, insinuating sex.

I turn around and put my hands on his chest, “You know what? I’m not really feeling well and I kind of just want to hit the sack.”

“You alright?” he asks with concern.

I nod, “I just have this huge headache.”

He kisses my forehead, “Come on, we’ll just go to bed. Hopefully you’ll feel better in the morning.”

“I love you,” I whisper into his chest.

This is what I love about him. I know the second we lay down he’ll pull me against his chest and drape his arms around my body. It’s times like that where I know I have it all. And for now I’ll pretend like everything is normal.

7