chapter five

“So then she just ran into the bathroom and slammed the door,” I finish, looking for another take on this whole thing since Beth slept in the bathroom and has refused to come out or talk to me.

Trace clucks his tongue a little, “Maybe she doesn’t want to have a baby.”

I smack the side of his head and begin to pace, “I kind of figured that out genius. No one runs into the bathroom crying hysterically when someone says let’s have a baby. My question is why. I mean she screams at me when I was upset she was pregnant and cries when I say let’s have a baby. Where is the logic here?” I moan. Women are way too complicated.

“What about her miscarriage? Maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to. Maybe she’s scared to have one. Or, maybe she just doesn’t want to have to deal with a baby. I mean she did practically raise her brother.”

After a few minutes of both us pondering the solutions to the one question I would like answered, a knock on the door of Trace’s room interrupts us. He gets up and opens the door before turning back around to me, “The flight is ready. You sure you want to leave your vacation early?”

I laugh bitterly, “Yeah, that way Beth can live in the bathroom for the next three days calling me names and I can spend it on the floor next to the room just in case she comes out.”

“I’m sorry about all this man, I really am. But I have a question for you. Why do you even want to have a baby? I mean you guys have it all and you want to be tied down to a kid for the next eighteen years?”

I lick my lips a little, “Because I want to start a family with her. I’m ready to settle down and stop going out to clubs. I quit the alcohol and the drugs. For fucking sake my idea of fun is curling up with her on the couch and watching a movie. It’s not just that I want to have a baby, it’s that I want us to have a baby.”

Trace picks up the handle to his luggage, “And what are you going to do if she doesn’t want one?”

“I mean I can wait, I just thought that now would be a good time. If she were to come to me and say in two years she would be ready I would say okay. But the fact that she won’t eve talk to me has got me so wound I don’t know what to do.”

“You have to talk to her. Maybe on the plane or something,” he suggests.

“I can only hope.”

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I look out the window of the SUV at the large plane. I took a separate one from the others. I haven’t even spoken to anyone since he dropped the bomb on me two days ago. I know I should have said something but I was in too much shock and then anger to say anything. Of course now I have to make a grand entrance in front of everyone and ride on the same plane. I sigh as the car pulls up and I get out with my arms over my chest and right onto the plane as everyone stares at me.

Justin looks hurt as he boards the plane and tries to sit next to me but I get up and move. Everyone’s jaws drop and Justin looks like I’ve just stabbed him in his heart. I just don’t know what to do or say. It’s just the first time he hasn’t understood where I’m coming from, what I’m feeling. And that thought is scary as hell.

I close my eyes to keep from looking at everyone staring at me like I’m insane. Maybe I am, maybe I’m being a bitch for not doing what I’m supposed to but I would if someone could point me in that direction. Of course, Gia would be the person to not only point in the right direction but then paint arrows in neon orange so I couldn’t miss the designated turns. But this time I’m not so sure she’ll take my side.

Vocalizing my pain seems to be the hardest thing I’ve had to do and in order to keep the focus off of why I don’t want to talk about a baby leads me to attack Justin verbally. The names I called him through that bathroom made me shudder. I’m not sure who was hurting more, me or him. I love that man to death and would lay down my life for someone. But I can’t do this. I would rather just walk away now then be thrown aside. I don’t enjoy it but it’s the only thing that shuts him up. I can’t take anymore pestering or questions so he should be on guard for anything I might do to protect myself. I never thought I would be protecting myself from him.

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We land and someone shakes me until I wake up. I open my eyes to see Gia looking at me carefully, “We’ve landed.”

I rub my eyes that are still sore from my crying, “Okay,” I choke out hoarsely.

She bends down and leans into my ear so that no one else can hear, “When you want to talk just give me a ring.”

I nod and stand up stretching a little and exiting the plane before Justin can wrap his arm around me. I hug Gia and Derek goodbye and get into the car wincing as Justin gets in slamming the door and staring out the window. I guess he’s pissed. It is the most uncomfortable silence in the car as we drive home. After what feels like a lifetime we pull up to the house and watch as Rob unpacks our things. I don’t think I even saw Rob put the finally bag down in the house before Justin slams the door and turns to me, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I bite down on my lip hard, “What are you talking about?”

“You know what the hell I’m talking about. You didn’t even talk to me you just stormed into the bathroom to pout. I have to tell you this is the last thing I ever expected you to do.”

I back up a little trying to recover some ground, “What were you thinking of just blurting out a question like that. Did you think that you would just unload something like that on me and we were going to act on it?”

He slams his fist into his other hand making a smacking noise, “I’m really sorry, I thought it would make you happy.”

I start to feel hurt and guilty at the same time, “You were wrong.”

Justin throws his hands up in the air, “I got that. I thought this would make you happy. I thought this was something we were in together and that we would eventually have children. I just bring it up and you run away.”

“I wasn’t running away.”

“What would you call it?” he asks angrily.

I stop for a minute to think of something but he just rolls his eyes, “Good comeback.”

My lips purse, “This isn’t about wining and losing. It’s not some fucking game.”

“Don’t you think I know that?”

“Stop yelling at me!” I exclaim, covering my ears as his voice booms through the house, echoing through the rooms as though everyone is making me feel like a jackass for not complying with his request. I’m not stupid, I get it. I just don’t want to do this.

He cast his eyes down, “Sorry. I’m sorry alright? I don’t like yelling at you. Why don’t we sit down and talk?”

I shake my head, “I don’t want to.”

“And why not? Is it because you are scared? Because that is something I completely understand you just have to tell me,” he begs.

I feel like I’m suffocating as someone tightens a noose around my neck, “I don’t ever want to have kids,” I finally scream despite my plea that he not.

“Ever?” he asks incredibly like the idea had never even crossed his mind that we might disagree on something that couldn’t be solved within two minutes of compromising.

I begin to shake, “No. I don’t want kids. I can’t do it. Besides you think you are going to be a dad? You would be horrible. I can’t take care of your sorry ass and a baby.”

As soon as the words leave my mouth I regret it. My hand goes over my lips like somehow I can take everything I just said back and his hand goes over his chest. I just stand there frozen as he turns right around and leaves. I listen until I hear the car back out of the driveway before I sink to my knees and break down.

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I stumble back into the house after having hit several of the trendy bars, probably gaining me a picture in the tabloids that will state I’ve fallen off the horse and back to my old say. But this time I don’t care what they say. No, I care about what Beth said. What my other half had to say about me.

I just can’t believe what like I was a fucking burden on her. I wouldn’t make a good father. How would she know what kind of father I would be? I mean I think I have done a good job taking care of her, making sure she’s safe and protected constantly. She has been my whole life for the past four years. But she doesn’t think I’m mature enough to wipe my own ass. I go to step onto the stairs but trip over the bags that are still on the floor in the hall. The noise it makes causes Beth to jump from her sleeping position on the couch in the next room and squint at me, “Justin?”

I laugh, “The sorry ass is officially home.”

She stands up and comes over to me, “Do you have any idea what time it is?”

I take off my coat and throw it somewhere, “I’m so sorry you have to follow my ass around. I’m sure you can call Gia though and take the night off.”

Beth leans over and sniffs me, “Are you drunk?”

A chuckle rises in my throat but exits like a cough, “No one can say you didn’t go to college.”

Her hand lands on my cheek and a imprint of her hand can be seen on my face as I look in the mirror over the fireplace, “How could you?”

I look back at her, “No, how could you,” I respond.

She ignores me, “You know you shouldn’t be drinking. Thank God we don’t have a baby with you getting drunk. Do you know how worried I have been? I called every person we know, ever hospital, every fucking place I could think of where you might be. Now I know where you were, you were out taking the easy way out. Thanks baby.”

“Don’t try and make excuses for your decision Beth. It’s not about me. Nothing about what you decided has to do with me. It’s about you and it has always been about you. I will say that I love you. I love you more than life itself. But I do want to eventually have children so you might want to think about that.” I turn back around, “Or get packing, whichever you chose.”

I head up the stairs and go into the guest bedroom, trying to figure out how our relationship could deteriorate with one simple statement. Maybe the answer to all of this is how we made it this long. Maybe we weren’t meant to be together at all. Maybe that’s what she wants.

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I grab my bag that is already packed from vacation and jump into my car. I can't sleep in our bedroom by myself and right now I just need an escape from home. It's funny how I could only have arrived home twelve hours ago and I'm already looking for an escape.

I unlock the door to the office and move my computer chair so I can lay on the floor. I spread out and put a sweater under my head, hugging my jacket to my body like I do to Justin. It was his fucking idea to spoon when we went to bed and know I don't know how to function without him. I feel so empty. Alone. God I need him.

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