sixteen

I sat quietly in the car with Jake. I know I should have handled things differently but when I saw him at the end of the driveway, I couldn’t think of anything else to do right then in there. I certainly couldn’t leave him there and let Justin quiz him. By the look on his face, he definitely remembered Jake.

I mumbled a goodbye to Jake as I got on the plane and he kissed me on the cheek, saying he would call me later. Four phone calls later I have yet to pick up when I see his name on the caller id. But what I know I shouldn’t be upset but I still manage to is that Justin hasn’t called me. Not once.

I called my mom and told her I was coming home for a while, which really scared her that something was wrong. Again. I assured her though it was just a visit because I missed her and I wasn’t going to be staying for very long.

I stand on my front stoop and open the door as my mom comes rushing out to see me and wraps her arms around my neck, “Baby.”

“Hey mom,” I say, breathing in her scent in deeply. It smells exactly as it’s supposed to, a mix of home cooked food and a healthy dose of laundry detergent.

She touches my face gently, “You know I’m going to want to know the story right?”

I nod, “I just want to be with you.”

She steps aside, “Come in sweetheart.”

I walk in the house and drop my suitcase as my mom leads me over to the couch, “I’m going to assume you need a minute to relax.”

“And a cup of tea if you don’t mind.”

She leans over and pats my leg, “Just let me put the kettle on.”

My eyes fall to the pictures on the mantle, a few new one of Sam and my old school photos. I’ll never get over how fast the time goes. I thought I would never make it through high school and the next thing you know I’m here.

Mom comes back in the room with two cups of tea, handing me mine, “Here you go.”

I take the cup gratefully, “Thanks mom.”

She sits down in the rocking chair, “So what do I owe this surprise?”

“I just thought I would come home for a few days to see you. I missed you. Why, am I not allowed to miss you?”

She smiles, “Of course you are allowed to miss me. But this doesn’t strike me as your average trip and Sam told me you were here a few months ago.”

I swear under my breath, “I told him not to say anything.”

“He was worried. He takes after you, I don’t now why you’re surprised.”

I bite my lip gently, “You really think so?”

“Mmm, every time I look at him I see a little more of you.”

I pull the tea bag up and down in the cup, “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

Mom rocks in her chair, “It’s a good thing for the most part. He’s got a good heart. He’s volunteering now for the Big Brother, Bog Sister program. Sometimes though I see his insecurities that you have. Trust issues mostly.”

I don’t say anything so mom changes the subject, “You sent me an email saying you had your first ultrasound, how did that go?”

“It was fine, the baby is healthy and I know the gender of the baby….”

Mom chuckles, “You can’t tempt me young lady. I told you already, I do not want to know whether it’s a boy or a girl. I want to be surprised.”

“Mom, don’t be ridiculous.”

“I never found out with any of you and I don’t intend to know the gender of my grandchild until they are born, end of story.”

“I need to tell someone, I’m the only one who knows.”

“What about Justin? I thought you told me he wanted to know?”

I move my mouth but nothing comes out. My mother gives me her famous look from when I was a child and had stuck gum in Sarah’s hair while she was sleeping after Sarah had pulled the head off my Barbie doll on purpose.

“Are you two fighting?”

I set my cup down, “Maybe a little.”

“So that’s the real reason why you’re here, to get away from him.”

“To get away from everything. I haven’t really been myself lately. I thought maybe a trip home might clear everything up.”

“So what’s going on that would bring you back to New Jersey. And don’t lie, I can tell when you do.”

I smile a little, “You always could.”

“Of course, I’m your mother.”

I pull my legs up to me, “It all started with this pregnancy thing. I really didn’t want to be pregnant and Justin kept pushing the issue until it happened. After that everything kind of snowballed into one big mess.”

“Go on.”

“I found out he was using fertility drugs for a while and didn’t tell me. I guess it really pissed me off because I felt like he was lying to me so I’m not really talking to him much. Then I may have told Trace when he didn’t want me to.”

“You told his best friend about that?”

I can tell by her tone that this isn’t the kind of thing she would condone, “He thought he was on drugs, so I just clarified it.”

“Beth.”

I sigh, “Please don’t say that.”

Mom crosses her legs, “Just tell me the rest of the story, then I’ll tell you what I think.”

“So Justin got mad at me. He threw a plate into the sink and I got mad at him for doing it. He didn’t show up at the ultrasound for the baby and I packed my things. Here I am.”

“Well, first I would say that if you were really that adamant about not getting pregnant you should have said something.”

“I didn’t know how to tell him.”

“Beth,” my mother says as she moves her chair closer, “You are a smart girl. You know how to speak your mind. Second, he should have told you about the medication but you never told him about your feelings so in his mind he was doing what he thought was best.”

“If you think that’s interesting, you should hear the rest,” I say slowly.

“What did you do?” she asks.

“Do you remember that guy I saw before Justin?”

“I vaguely remember you mentioning him.”

“Well, he looked me up when he settled down. I didn’t exactly tell Justin before he just showed up at the house.”

Mom stares at me, “What did he say?”

“I didn’t give him a chance to say anything. I was on my way to the airport and he was in the driveway so I had him drive me.”

Mom stops rocking and I prepare to hear what she has to say, though I know it’s not going to be something I’m going to want to hear, “You know sometimes you can amaze me. I thought you were too young to have it affect you but obviously I was wrong. It’s in the genes I guess.”

“Wrong about what?” “When I was pregnant with Sam I was so worried that your father was going to ruin another child. Do you remember anything when I was pregnant?”

I think back, puzzled, “I remember you throwing his stuff out the window. I remember you locking him out of the house. Little stuff like that.”

“All I could think about was hurting him before he hurt me. I wanted to push him away before Sam really got to know him.”

“So?”

“I lived my whole life afraid what might happen, which was valid because I only became like that after your father relieved his true colors you might say. But you, you’ve been like that your whole life because you have been nervous around people. Mostly because of how you were raised, which I take some responsibility for.”

“I think I’m missing the point.”

“Beth, you are pushing away the best thing that has ever happened to you because you are afraid of what might happen once you have this baby.”

I start to chew on my bottom lip, “I’m not scared, I’m careful that’s all.”

“Do you think that after five years he deserves to be doubted?”

I don’t answer her, instead glance out the window as I see Sam get off the bus, “Please don’t tell Sam, he’s very attached to Justin and I don’t want to screw with that.”

Mom nods and sips her tea quietly as I hear the door open, a bag carelessly thrown to the side and sneakers kicked off to be tripped over later, “Hey mom.”

“Hi hon, why don’t you come in the living room.”

Sam rounds the corner and freezes when he sees me, “Hey you.”

“Hi Sam.”

“What’s wrong now?”

Mom laughs into her cup of tea and I throw her a dirty look, “Nothing’s wrong.”

He grabs a cookie off the table, “Whenever you come here it’s because something is wrong. And just so you know, it’s generally because you’re too emotional.”

“Glad you’re home.”

“Me too,” I respond dryly.

“Go home. I mean this as kindly as possible but go home.”

I throw a pillow at his head, “For crying out loud, I’m going to be here for about a week.”

He plops down next to me on the couch, “Not communicating is the problem. Running back home will not help anyone.”

“Since when are you the relationship guru?”

He sits back smugly, “Since someone got a date to the junior prom.”

“But you’re not a junior.”

“Exactly. You’re brother is in high demand these days.”

I flick him, “And people say you’re like me?”

He leans over and kisses my cheek, “I love you sis. But as you’re brother, I’m going to tell you the truth.”

“And what would that be?”

“That you need him and he doesn’t seem to be here.”

Mom stands up and goes to put her cup in the sink. I wait until she leaves the room to say anything, “I can’t believe you told her about me coming home.”

“Me, I had to for crying out loud. I’m sorry but you are not going to blow this thing because you can’t handle whatever it is you two can’t manage to talk through. I have your room now and it’s going to stay my room. Under no circumstances are you moving back.”

“I’m not moving back.”

“Then why are you here without Justin?”

“Do you have any idea how annoying you are right now? Don’t you have some schoolwork you could be doing?”

“No.”

My phone starts to ring and I dig in my pocket, “Wait one second and I’ll get the last word.”

He rolls his eyes and get up, walking into the kitchen as I answer the phone, “Hello?”

“It’s me.”

God I forgot how much I missed his voice, “Hi.”

“So you got to your mother’s alright?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

“Glad you got a ride,” he replies, hurt obvious in his tone.

“I’ll tell you that part of the story when I get home.”

“When are you coming home?”

I glance at the calendar on the wall, “I don’t know right now.”

“Are you alright?”

“Except for the cravings of chocolate absolutely nothing.”

“You’re starting to have cravings?”

I pick up a chocolate chip cookie and look it over once, “Yeah. I guess that’s normal.”

“Well I’ll let you go then.”

“Alright. Bye,” I say, hanging up the phone and laying my head on the pillow set on the couch.

________________________________________________________________________

I wake up to Sam shaking me, “What is it?” I groan, looking at the clock that says I’ve been napping for several hours.

“This came for you,” he says, handing me a basket.

I sit up as he hands me a basket. I undo the ribbon and the colored plastic to see different kinds of chocolate. My fingers fumble with the card and open it-

For the cravings and the baby. Hope this helps bring you home sooner.

Justin

I look up to see Sam gloating over me, “He really goes all out for you.”

I open a piece of chocolate and put it in my mouth, thinking about what I really am going to do. And will it still be there if I decide that’s what I really want.

17