eleven

I stir as the sun hits my eyes. I roll over and smack into Justin, realizing that I’m not in our house on our king size bed but Sam’s room on a double bed. I sit up and rub my head as Justin groans, sitting up as well, “You know there are other ways of waking me up.”

I give him a faint smile, “What time did you get here last night?”

His hand goes up to my neck and rubs it, “Around four o’clock.”

“Really?”

He nods, “Yeah. Why?”

I shrug, “It’s just late.”

Justin smiles, “I actually left at like eleven in the morning. I sat in parts of traffic for six hours.”

A sigh escapes my lips, “I can’t believe you did that.”

“You didn’t come home. What was I supposed to do?”

I pull my knees up to my chest, “I was really upset. I AM really upset.”

His fingers tangle in my hair, “I don’t blame you, I was just scared. I didn’t know where you were. Anything could have happened to you and the baby.”

I try to speak but the words aren’t forming so instead I say something else, “I’m going to go get some coffee.”

Justin takes a deep breath in, his patience wearing thin, “I thought we were going to talk?”

“We are, I just want to have some coffee first.”

He sighs and stands up, “I’ll get it. You stay here.”

“I can do it,” I protest.

“No, this way I’ll know you’ll be here when I get back.”

I groan and fall back on the bed as he leaves. Opening my mouth never felt this difficult before.

____________________________________________________________________

I wait by the coffee pot as it drips slowly. Just when I think I have her she does a complete three sixty on me. I don’t know what is up with her these days. I don’t think you develop an alternate personality but I guess anything is possible.

I hear a noise behind me to see Sam groggily yawning as he sits down at the kitchen table, “Morning.”

“Hey,” I respond, taking the mugs out of the cabinet and filling them with the hot liquid.

“So you want to fill me in on why you guys are here?”

“I still have no idea.”

Sam smirks, “That’s what I love about you guys. Open communication.”

I throw him a dirty look, “I liked you better when you were younger.”

He laughs, “Look, she just never acted this way before. Almost like she’s reverting to when she was a kid.”

“I know, first we’re having a kid and now she’s acting like one.”

Sam gives me a surprised look, “Belle’s pregnant?”

Uh oh. I wonder if she was keeping that quiet for a reason, “She didn’t tell you?”

“Do you think I would be this surprised if she had told me?”

Good point, “Sorry, I’m just surprised.”

“And she said she wanted a baby?”

I turn around, “What would make you say that?”

Sam shrugs, “You know, growing up here. She wasn’t exactly into having kids after she got married. Just the opposite actually. But then again, she’s really changed since she’s been with you. What do I know. You guys aren’t even married anyway. Sorry I said anything.”

“I’m not following you,” my mind trying to wrap around what he’s saying.

“I’m talking about Sarah. After my parents got married and had Sarah… well you know the rest. But what do I know?”

Apparently a whole lot more than me. I pick up my coffee cups, “Thanks Sam.”

“For what?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

________________________________________________________________________

He slips through the doorway and hands me a cup of coffee, “Here you go.”

“Thanks,” I respond, taking a sip. I glance at the drink realizing that I’m going to have to cut caffeine out of my diet now that I’m pregnant. Like I wasn’t bouncing off the walls before, this should be a real doozy.

“We need to talk Beth.”

I lick my lips, “I know,” my arm reaching out and setting the cup down.

“I am sorry for how I acted. I just couldn’t understand why you didn’t want to have a baby. I mean from my point of view, I have tried to be so good about being mature and try to be an adult since you came into my life that when you were… reluctant to have a baby, I didn’t know what to make of it.”

“You didn’t take my feelings into consideration,” I whisper.

“And I’m sorry. But my question is, do you not want a baby because of Sarah? Because if that is it, you could have said something. Anything would have been helpful.”

“So you’re saying this is my fault?”

“You know that’s not what I’m saying Beth. Come on, is that the answer?”

I sigh a little, “It’s just everything alright? It’s everything. We haven’t talked about this thoroughly. I mean, when you go on tour are we just going to take the baby with us? What about me? I’m not sure I’ll be a good mother. What if I’m not cut out for that kind of thing? And my mother. Did you know when she had Sarah she went into depression? I had a hard enough time when Sarah died. I can’t imagine being depressed. I just can’t do it.”

He pulls me towards him, “You should have said something. I had no idea that’s how you felt. You really think I would have pushed something on you that I thought could potentially hurt you?”

His scent comes back to me, that old spice smell. I forgot what it was like to touch him. Damn I missed him, “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“For what it’s worth, you are going to be a great mother.”

“I won’t be perfect mother I know this baby deserves. I’m afraid of what I might be.”

He tips my face up with his finger, “How do you think I feel? Our baby is going to grow up knowing that its dad slept with every woman that walked by me before I met you. That I did drugs and almost overdosed before I started dating you. And that I didn’t want its brother or sister. I have to live with that. But you have made me a better person. And I love you for that.”

Justin laughs, “I mean if you had asked me six years ago if I would have wanted a baby I would have choked on my Jack Daniels and told them I used protection for a reason. I don’t swear as much because you don’t like it, I have gotten rid of the porn channel and we spend dinner together at the table instead of on stack tables in front of the TV. I would do anything for you.”

It never really occurred to me how much he changed. Not only did he change, but he did it for me. I guess part of me has taken it for granted over the years, “I’m afraid of losing this baby. It’s not that I don’t want a baby. It’s the what ifs that scare me.”

His lips connect with my forehead, “I’m going to be here every step of the way baby.”

“I’m scared.”

“I know.”

I wipe my eyes, “I do have to tell you something.”

He smirks, “You’re pregnant with triplets.”

I let out a laugh that comes out more like a cry, “Funny. Listen, I’ve been lying to you.”

His brow furrows, “What?”

“When I told you I was going out jogging, I really wasn’t. I went to that little record shop on the corner of Main and West and hung out there every day.”

“And do what?”

I smile a little, “There this kid who hangs out there who’s just a sweetheart and we would just talk. Just hang out.”

“So you could talk to him and not me?” he asks, a little hurt.

“Don’t be upset, I was just overwhelmed with everything.”

He twists the ring on my finger, “I’m not, just disappointed. We spent how many months not connecting and I guess I just missed you. I really don’t know how to function without you. You’re my whole life. I forgot what it’s like to be without you.”

“I missed you too.”

“I was just thinking the other day what I did before you and then I realized, I can’t really remember anything before you. Thank you heroine.”

His arms feel good around me and against my better judgment I melt into him. And I lose it, like I normally do when I’m stressed and I need relief. His hands rub my back as I just relax against his chest, my hands grabbing onto his shirt, “Everything is going to be alright.”

And I believe him. I really believe him.

________________________________________________________________________

Her breathing has become rhythmic as her head is pressed up against the window of the car. I carefully lean over and put my hand on her stomach, rubbing it. I can’t really feel anything and she doesn’t have much of a bump yet but I know it’s there.

I mean no matter what anyone says about me, they can’t take away from the fact that I’m having a storybook ending. The storybook ending. The one that write about and put kids to bed with at night to comfort them before they drift off to sleep. The one I’ll be telling my child when they come into the world.

I finally pull up to the house and go around to her side, catching her head before she smacks it on something. I carefully lift her up and carry her into the house after fumbling with the door and cover her with a blanket.

I hear footsteps and turn around to see Trace, “Hey man, I didn’t know you were still here.”

“We need to talk man,” he says angrily, way too loud to be in the same room as Beth as she moans in her sleep, turning over on the couch.

I look back at Beth and move towards Trace, leading him into the kitchen, “What is up?”

Trace holds up a plastic bag and my heart drops as I grab it from him, “Where did you get that?”

“I found it Justin. What are you thinking? Have you lost your fucking mind? She’ll leave you, in case you were ever thinking about her. I mean Beth will absolutely lose her mind. If you thought you lost her over birth control, you had better be prepared to nail the fucking door shut.”

I can barely speak as Trace stares at me like he’s going to kill me, “You cannot tell her. You wouldn’t do that, you know what she would do. I mean you just said so yourself.”

“Do you think she won’t find out? She’s Beth. She knows all, which by the way is a fucking pain in the ass.”

“But you’re not going to tell her,” I reiterate.

“No, I’m not going to tell her but you might want to consider coming clean. I mean why would you even do that again? Why?”

I sigh, rubbing my forehead, “I don’t know okay? It just happened. Beth was gone, she wasn’t pregnant then I thought she was purposefully putting it off. And I don’t know. I can’t be alone.”

Trace pushes me up against the counter, “That is not a good reason for what you did. In fact, it’s not even a reason. Were you even thinking about her? Especially after proposing a baby you go and do something as stupid as that.”

“Look I wasn’t thinking, but she’s back now and I’m fine.”

Trace covers his mouth for a minute before turning back to me, “I won’t say anything. But get your shit together are you really will lose her. She’s not here so you can fuck around and think she won’t leave.”

“That’s not what I was thinking. I just, I…. I can’t go through that again Trace.”

“Listen I’m going to let you guys mellow for a little while, but call me alright?”

"Yeah man."

I walk Trace to the door and shut it behind him, moving over to Beth. I put my hand on her cheek and lean in, lying next to her. I just love her.

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