ten

I have tried calling Beth’s cell about a hundred or so times. The knowledge of a baby and the hurt Beth feels is enough to cause me to panic that she’s not here with me right now, in my arms. I called Gia and succeeded in waking up both Derek and Tyson, but no Beth. Gia volunteered to come over and stay with me until she comes home, but I told her no. For all I know she may never be coming home.

I tried calling Shane to see if maybe she spent the night at the office but he isn’t picking up and I drive over to the office but no one was there. I laid on the couch all night waiting for her, but she never came. I think about what has happened between us and how unhappy Beth has been for the last few months.

The door opens and I hop up, striding to it only to find Trace, “Hey man, what’s up?”

It’s such a causal sentence that I laugh at the absurdity, “Oh let me see… Beth took off after I accused her of taking birth control pills only to find out she’s pregnant and to top it all off I have no idea where she is and she won’t pick up her phone. I think that about sums it up.”

Trace opens and shuts his mouth a few times, “You accused her of taking birth control pills?”

“I know, it was stupid. I was just frustrated with the whole situation okay? I get it, it’s my fault.”

“And you have no idea where she is?”

“Do think that if I knew where she was I would be standing here talking to you?” I say loudly, hanging my head.

Trace backs up a little from me, “Look I know you’re upset.”

“You have no idea how upset I am alright?” I yell, slamming my fist on the couch.

He puts his arm out and pats my back, “She’ll come back. I know Beth, she loves you.”

“If anything happens to her and I’m not there…” I trail off.

“We’ll find her Justin.”

“She’s not a lost puppy Trace. She left.”

I stand up and pace, beginning to feel really sick. Trace takes a deep breath, “Where would she go? I mean did you call Gia?”

“Yeah, she’s not there.”

“Okay, did you call Shane?”

I nod again, “No luck. I even went by the office.”

“Well she would want to go somewhere she would feel safe.”

I look up at Trace, “Like maybe with Sam?”

Trace nods as I grab the keys, yelling a “quick see you later” before heading out the door.

________________________________________________________________________

I arrive at the house and use my keys to get in. I know my mom is in Las Vegas with two of her friends for once in her life and so that leaves Sam here with a neighbor checking up on him. I quietly open the door so it doesn’t squeak and smile as I hop up the stairs, two at a time, only stepping on the ones that don’t creak.

I slip into the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed, playing with Sam’s hair softly. He wakes up with a start, “Oh my God! Jeez Beth you scared the crap out of me,” he says, clutching his chest as he sits up.

“Sorry about that, I wasn’t trying to scare you.”

He sits up and hugs me tightly, “As long as you’re not here to kill me it’s alright. What are you doing here?”

I take a deep breath, “I just thought I would drop by and see you.”

“That’s why you’re here? At one forty in the morning?” he asks questioningly.

My hand goes up to his cheek, “Every time I see you I see more and more of a man.”

“So I’m going to take that everything isn’t alright. You want to talk about it?” he asks, concern weighing on his mind by the look on his face.

I shake my head, “I just want to go to sleep. It’s this long complicated thing and I think I’ll be more talkative in the morning.”

Sam stares at me, “Does Justin know you’re here?”

My expression gives me away, “Beth, come on. He doesn’t know where you are? What are you thinking coming here and not telling him where you’re going?”

“I’m really tired Sam.”

“Since when can’t you talk to me?”

I pull my legs under me, “It’s not that I can’t talk to you, I just don’t have the energy to talk about it.”

“Alright, come on,” he says, pulling the covers down.

His body moves over so I can lie next to him and I gratefully curl up, “I really miss you being little. I remember when your whole body could lay on my stomach.”

“I may be getting older but I’ll always be you’re little brother.”

“You promise to always watch out for me as I get older, now that you are almost full grown?” I whisper.

“Yes. But I also know you have somebody back home who already does that. Unless there is something you want to tell me.”

“I’m good.”

“You know if I did this to mom you would have a fit.”

I roll my eyes, “It’s a little different than that Sam.”

“He loves you, just in case you forgot.”

I roll over and kiss his forehead to say the conversation is over, “Night Sam.”

“Night Belle.”

________________________________________________________________________

I pull up to the familiar house and head up the steps. It’s about four in the morning and all the lights are out in the house. Beth gave me a key a while ago and I choose to use it rather than everyone waking up because I knocked on the door. I go to turn the key but I realize the door is already open. I head up the stairs and reach the top to discover Sam, “Hey man,” I whisper, surprised he’s even up.

“You looking for Beth?” he asks, sounding as though he already knows the answer to it but does it out of respect.

I breathe a sigh of relief, “So she’s here?”

“Yeah. She’s here. I was wondering how long it would take you to get here. I would have called you eventually, I was just going to wait until morning. She’s a little sensitive right now. You know, women.”

“Is she okay?”

He shrugs, “I can’t get anything out of her. I’ll tell you one thing though; she’s not acting like herself.”

“I’m sorry about everything Sam.”

“Don’t worry about it. She’s sleeping in my room, go on in. If you need me I’ll be in my mom’s room sleeping until noon.”

I pat Sam on the back and head for his bedroom. I slip in and can make out a figure sleeping on the bed. She whimpers in her sleep and I can’t help but want to protect her from the world. The moonlight on her skin illuminates her face and I sit down beside her, touching her stomach. We have another life coming into this world and it’s not coming into it like this.

Beth stirs and I watch as she realizes who is next to her. She sits up quickly, “What are you doing here?”

“There isn’t anywhere on this planet I won’t find you.”

“I can’t believe you just-”

I interrupt her, “Came after you? Because if I remember correctly, that was why I lost you last time. And I swore that I would never let you get away again.”

“You accused me of lying to you and taking birth control. I can’t even tell you how angry I am at you right now.”

“And you have every right to be. But I’m not letting you go, especially when you have our baby with you. But you are pregnant. I mean you weren’t just fucking with me right?” I ask, hopeful that this is still real.

She starts to tear up and nods slowly. I pull her towards me, “It’s going to be okay baby. Ssshh.”

“I’m scared,” she whimpers into my arms.

Her body caves into mine and I’m met with little resistance as I lay her down with me, “Whatever it is you’re mad about, me, work, the baby, we’ll get through it together. But I want you to know that I love you. I love you.”

I cradle her in my arms as she continues to cry, “I…. need you.”

Her tears seep through my shirt as I put my face into her neck, “I’m here.”

“You really hurt me.”

I place a kiss on her skin, “I’m an asshole. You’ve known that from day one. It doesn’t mean that I won’t apologize. I would do anything for you.”

“We need to talk,” she says, pulling away to wipe her eyes on the comforter.

“I know. After you get some sleep we’ll talk.”

Her head hits my chest and curls up against me. No matter how much we fight, no matter how much I piss her off and no matter what happens, I will always love her. She’s my baby. My soul mate. My other half. My angel.

I hum quietly as I rock her to sleep like all those times we spent together when she was upset. I still remember the day Jake broke her heart, I hummed clocks. The night I broke her heart I hummed I don’t want to miss a thing. But tonight, I’ll look after you seems more appropriate.

Her fingers trace my features as she runs her hand from my eyes down to where my neck meets my shoulders. Her scent comes back and I remember the way the whole bed smelled like a mix of floral and musk scent after she would lay in it. I forget how comforting she is to me sometimes. It’s times like these I wish I could stop the world for a minute, just to savor the memory.

“Go to sleep,” I whisper.

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to explain it all.”

I close my eyes as I pull the covers up, “I just want you. I just want to know how you’re feeling.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all I want. All. I. Want. Is. You.

7